I sit hear listening to a friend's music, Amber Lily, with words that sing angelic melodies,
"So let the rain come down, so thirsty the ground Let it fall until the rivers flow again "So let the rain come down, so thirsty the ground Let it fall until the rivers clean again Man tries to control the water, building dams to fuel his empire Can't change the fate of the river, she'll make it to the ocean" In the past year, I have witnessed our Mother Earth and all the destruction by the humans. We fight for clean water, and the powers at be try to hold us down. The money hungry businesses are mixed in with our government, and as I am part of the mothers who are bringing in the next generation, I just can't understand how other mothers don't see the importance of water. Water is Life. Mni Wiconi. You can NOT survive without water and oxygen. Water makes up our cells. Water gives life to other plants and animals, which give us life. Is it really that hard to see the dots that connect? The more the water is allowed to be destroyed by oil, pollution, coal, and ignorance, the less we as a species have a chance of surviving. I love the ancient Indian proverb, "We Do Not Inherit the Earth from Our Ancestors; We Borrow It from Our Children" As a new mother, I am questioning more each day what it is we need to do to allow our children, and the next seven generations to live a life full of abundance, clean land and air, fresh water, and all that they deserve to thrive. As Leo and I settle in Northern California, we clearly see the way Mother Nature really is in control. The area we moved to has received over 200% of it's normal precipitation as we watch rivers flood and dams threatening to break. Do humans really believe they can build a dam and it will outlast Mother Nature's powers? Why do we try to play God? Our ancestors worked with the land and natures cycles. But in the past 100 years with the Industrial Revolution, we have destroyed those patterns, destroyed the land, destroyed that water, and are destroying the future for next generations. And those of us who are trying to speak out and save the water and help future generations have all they need to survive and thrive, are being held down by the powers at be. Flint, Michigan has children being poisoned from unsafe water for almost three years. Standing Rock Reservation is about to lose their guarantee of safe water. Coal and oil have become priority over humans, and now the corporations are trying to make profit off water. Please all mothers, wake up. Our babies need water. So everyone says BE THE CHANGE. And that is what we find we are doing as we settle down to nest. We sit in the dark often, heat with our wood stove which is using wood that has fallen naturally or been used to de-branch some pine trees to prevent forest fires from raging through in the summer time. We try to be cautious when we use energy. We all shower less than four times per week. We try to make the least amounts of trips into town, and when we go, we carpool and Leo, our friend Woody (who now lives here), and I run all the errands in one trip. We have tried to see how we could be even more efficient and decided that we will start cooking in the wood stove instead of the oven. We also plan to have the three of us and our other friend Ryan (who is moving into our studio this weekend) decide on one day per week to use no electricity. We can use candles and the fire in the stove, and get a solar battery pack for electronics. Which brings me to my very proud moment of the week. Leo and Woody started working for a new Solar Power company with our other good friend and his friend who is a master Solar Power man. In fact, it's just the four of them for now as the main crew, and they have so many awesome projects lined up already. Leo had been offered a position as a Store Manager for a new cell phone store coming to town, but after sitting and considering what we believe in and our goals for the future of our family, community, nation and world, taking the leap of faith with a new Solar company was in more alignment with our hearts. He said no to benefits, a guaranteed 40 hours a week, and the opportunity to be a manager because, at this point, we all need to be living a life we believe in. I am so excited for Leo to jump into the knowledge of solar energy and to be part of the change. So please, if you are reading this, share with us in the comments on how you are living to BE the CHANGE. Let's inspire others and get re-inspired ourselves in how we can move forward together, to help our children and the next seven generations have a life of not just surviving, but THRIVING. **You can find Amber Lily's music here: https://amberlily.bandcamp.com/ ***You can move your money into a local credit union account so your money isn't being used to fund big projects that destroy our planet. ****Calling representatives seems like a daunting task, but it literally takes less than 60 seconds and has been working already this year. We need our representatives to work for us, and not the money that is getting put into their pockets. *****Flint water facts : http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/04/us/flint-water-crisis-fast-facts/ ******Military Police State protecting Profit of Oil company over Native land rights https://www.facebook.com/KFYRtv/videos/10154355835084103/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED
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All week Leo and I had been seeing articles on Friday's Full Moon in Leo. Interesting, we thought, because Leo is an Aquarius and everyone thinks he's a Leo...We are in Aquarius season currently and the moon was about to be in Leo, full with an eclipse. A big night for endings and new beginnings. As we led up to the full moon, I kept hoping that this moon would help us shift into less arguing. I would say we have less arguments than many, but we discuss deeply into them, sometimes taking something that many couples would brush aside, and instead dissect it into a millions pieces to get to a resolution. This can be draining energetically, it can be challenging when your hormones are all over the place and you want to just go to bed. But Leo refuses to let me sweep anything under the rug, because in all reality, it will just resurface at a later date, and often when it really isn't even relevant. I also try to get Leo to see that there are times when we can "let it go" because arguing over one sentence that was said five hours ago, and letting our egos control the conversation can seem to get us nowhere. Sometimes I love dissecting and finding resolution, and other times I am so exhausted from it, that I would rather forgive and move on quickly.
As the full moon approached, I hoped it would bring an ending to any unnecessary disagreements. Well let's just say, both of us had trouble communicating our thoughts the day before, the day of, and the day after the full moon. Yes, three full nights of not seeing eye-to-eye, which we have never experienced before. Thursday night our evening started off by celebrating Leo getting a job. He finally overcame the hurdle of having to work to pay for our living expenses and bringing a baby into the world. He got interviewed to be a manager of a new store opening in the area, and completely amazed the woman interviewing him. He was offered the job on the spot. And while both Leo and I have visions for what our life and work situation in the future will be, for this very moment, we just need him to work. And I wanted him to at least find a job he would enjoy. I knew he would get the job, and I had complete faith that he would provide for me and the baby. The bigger my belly gets, the less I feel I will be able to or desire to bring in an income. I want us to be comfortable with finances so when the baby comes, we don't even have to think about paying bills. But for Leo, he hasn't had to consider finances for anything in his life in years. Traveling as a way of life takes you out of the job realm, and into a way of life that is simple and allows for abundance to show up in many forms, not just money. So stepping back into this box of working was a huge challenge. And Thursday night, we celebrated. He got a job, saw the big picture of how it could benefit him in the future and how he would be able to help the company to become established in the community. So, we went out to a Mexican Restaurant and hoped to enjoy the moment of him being proud of himself and me being happy that he was happy. The meal was amazing, but as we were finishing up, a conversation led to some disagreements and us not seeing eye to eye. Leo felt a bit disappointed and I felt like I needed to stand up for my view and what my inner voice was telling me to pay attention to. Once we each refused to see the bigger picture and one another’s views, the evening went downhill. I naturally wanted to move on, allow us to enjoy the end of the meal, but Leo wanted to dissect each and every word around the situation and we went from celebration to silence. We got in the car and went home. When we got to the house I wanted to just relax with him. I wanted to feel the peace and happiness of him finding a job that's good for him and our life in this very moment in time. I wanted to sit with him and read some baby names. But after our conversation, which led to him feeling hurt, he had another trigger with feeling hurt by old friends in our community when he got on Facebook. I was too exhausted to hold space for his processing. I ended up going to bed and let him do his own processing, meanwhile feeling like my feelings were hurt and that I couldn't believe a celebration so easily came down to a really frustrating night. Friday when we started the day, I hoped for Leo’s presence. I took a few moments of him being distracted with Facebook too personally, and as I desired his presence and help, I was left with little patience when it seemed like he had other priorities. This led us into a seven or more hour discussion which turned into the biggest fight we have ever experienced together. At first we had silence, and then Leo decided he would create a platform for us to be vulnerable. The intention was for us to connect deeply through our hearts and express our intentions and expectations. But between his ego and mine, between me not listening enough and him not letting me talk, between him putting himself on the platform and expressing his struggles and me refusing to share what my struggles are, we fought. We yelled, we cried, we whispered, we sat in silence. I tried to hold space for my conversation with Leo, and simultaneously surround the baby in my womb with love and safety from experiencing any of my emotions connected to the argument. Holding space for a conversation that was the toughest we have ever had, and also keeping the baby surrounded in love and trying to get our baby to know that he didn't need to feel my personal emotions and could be a witness to the human experience but not feel my stress, all this led to me being drained. I couldn't think straight, I could no longer focus on the words Leo was saying. And for the first time in our entire relationship, I felt fear. I was scared that we may not find resolution and move forward together through this. I was scared that I was watching our relationship crumble. I was scared that the Full Moon in Leo may not have been the end to our fighting because we stepped back into dialoguing and healthy discussions, but because we fought so much on the full moon that we decided to never fight again, that we would decide to just walk away because it would be the easy way out. It seems too many people do this now a days...they just walk away when the relationship becomes “work". We live in a “throw away” generation. We don’t like to work for results, we like to get rid of things after something new comes into our awareness. This includes computers, phones, cars, houses, and even relationships. I was heart broken. I cried more than I have cried all year. I got lost in my emotions. I saw the doubt in Leo's eyes and I cried even harder. I thought he needed some space to breathe, so I went into the bedroom to calm down so I could eat some food and give nourishment to the baby. I was relieved when twenty minutes later Leo came to bed. He crawled in and started to fall asleep next to me. I closed my computer and cuddled in next to him. And the fear crept back in, what if I was losing this man. The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Twice during the day Leo said "for better or worse, in light and in dark, through good times and bad" and I was happy that he was committed to the long haul. But now, hours later after many words and tears, I felt like I was losing him. I rolled onto my side and felt Leo snuggle in and spoon me, wrapping his arm around me with deep intention. I felt his love, and I cried some more. I love him so much. I cannot fear the future because so many relationships only make it one year, ten years, three decades....and our relationship was no guarantee. On any given day, one of us could walk away. But in that moment, I knew that this is the first time in my life I wanted to truly work for it. Truly give my all, by being vulnerable to my own weaknesses in a union with another person. I wanted to be held accountable by Leo and I wanted to hold him accountable (we always have done this, and loved this about one another, but now I wanted to take it even deeper). I wanted to feel like I could have my lowest day of the year, and have him cuddle me at the end of it, with arms still full of love. I wanted to raise our family, travel the world, build a home, share laughter and tears, joys and fears. I wanted to spend my life with this man, and I cried myself to sleep in this feeling. The following day, we picked up with our hurt feelings. We struggled to communicate. We grew frustrated with ourselves and each other. We had moments of silence, moments of sadness, and finally moments of clarity. We both were having trouble expressing and listening, but in the end, we both wanted to work through it. We were exhausted after three days of trying to talk through emotions, but we did it. In the end, we both tried talking a little less, and listening a little more. We shared our fears about becoming parents and also life partners. Here are some of my fears I shared and also that new fears I found deep within myself after my conversations with Leo: I fear being a single mother. I fear Leo's father issues will manifest into him being an absent father. I fear that I won't be the kind of mother I strive to be. I fear that I will be too judgmental within myself as I learn to parent and that I will feel like I am not a good enough mother. I fear that my child will become sick, or even worse, I fear that my child will have to witness me being sick or dying. I fear that my own mother will not live long enough to become a Mimi to my baby or that my baby won't become as close with her if she does live because we live so far away. I fear labor without my family. I fear that I won't want to go back to work because I will want to be a full time mom. I fear that I will want to work all the time because I am not living up to my own standards of being a good mom. I fear that I am watching my relationship disappear as we suddenly are arguing so much this week. I fear that my stress over money will destroy my relationship with Leo. I fear that Leo never has really loved me. That he wanted love but that he didn't actually fall in love with me...he just fell in love with the idea of me. I fear that I won't be confident in my skills as a massage therapist or yoga teacher in this new community and I will just let those passions dissolve. I fear that one day I will just stop making love with Leo because sometimes it feels like he won't allow vulnerability and complete open heartedness in the bedroom. But in all these fears, I have faith in life. Leo always tells me to trust and have faith, but in reality I really do trust and have faith at the end of the day...so in that trust, it's easy for me to observe these fears and let them go. I fear that this is not good enough for Leo. That he won't understand that after almost dying, I have come to a place of really allowing trust and faith to take over deep down, even in areas that it appears I have no faith. That almost dying has allowed me to process things quickly and let go, but in a healthy way. I am afraid he won't believe that I want to do the work, or that he won't see in little ways, each day, I do the work. I desire to know more of what I need to work on, I want to continue to grow daily. And I am afraid Leo won't believe it. That he won't want to grow with me anymore. I want him to know that I am an open book, and I am not trying to hide anything. I have dark and light in my past and present, and I am not afraid of it. I am willing to put it all on the table... We shared where we wanted to be held accountable by the other person. And magically, we found our balance again. We found our passion. We found our love. I have never known a love so beautifully challenging, but it's challenging because we don't allow one another to hide from any of our deep emotions, even the subconscious emotions that haven't crept all the way up to the surface. We actually dig into each others subconscious and try to help accelerate the process of conscious awareness within each other. And this accelerated relationship is as beautiful and challenging as it could ever be. The Full Moon in Leo helped me surrender even deeper to the love I have for Leo, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my balance, the father of my child. And I can only hope that this awareness of deep love can bring an even brighter new beginning into our communion. As I took time to edit this blog, and to decide how much of the three days I really wanted to share with the world, my friend handed me a book. I opened it to a random page and found something very fitting that I would like to share. Being human has brought this lesson many times into my reality. While I know many things deep down in my soul, putting them into daily practice with strangers and even more importantly, with those you love, can be a challenge. But if we allow ourselves to surrender to life and come to place of grounding deep within, we can step into living a life of awareness. From Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.’s Living a Life of AWARENESS: “ Respecting Others’ Point of View” No one else in the world thinks or feels exactly the same way you do about life. To think and to feel is an individual experience. As a result, no two people will have the same point of view. Sometimes our viewpoints are so closely aligned that the differences aren’t readily apparent. Other times, our viewpoints are so far apart it may seem difficult to find any common ground. The key to respecting the opinions of others is to have an open mind toward your own point of view. When you look at your beliefs and viewpoints with openness, it becomes clear how attached you are to them. Without an open mind, you will constantly try to subjugate others to your own point of view, oftentimes without even realizing it. Being aware of your level of attachment to your own beliefs, ideas, and point of view allows you to respect the thoughts and feelings of others. Practice With awareness, examine your own beliefs and viewpoints the next time you disagree with someone. Although you may not change your viewpoint, being open to other possibilities and perspectives will allow you to respect the viewpoint of the other person.” I sat down to type, and looked up. Leo is folding laundry. And not just folding, I mean he is making it look like it does when you walk into a store and everything is folded perfectly. He gained this skill working for Quiksilver years ago, and though I never considered "laundry folding" a must have in a partner, it sure is a bonus! He folds all the clothes. Of coarse they will sit in the basket for months, so I have to put them away, but how lucky am I? He also sweeps the floor, cuts and loads up wood for our stove, puts laundry in the washer and dryer, and does all the dishes in the sink that I avoid (usually the silverware and pots/pans). This is not to say there aren't things that living in close quarters brings up to be an annoyance; I have plenty of those habits that bother him as well. But for today, I am swimming in the gratefulness I feel as I look adoringly at my partner as we build a home together (one in a house, with a bed, kitchen, couch, shower, washer/dryer, and even a nursery in the making!). This day sure did arrive fast. We were not too long ago building a partnership in a tent, car, and the open road. We actually didn't really know what domestic skills, or lack there of, existed in the other person. Living in a house is completely different than living on the road. Living in a house is completely different than "dating" and taking turns at each others homes. Living in a house is full of surprises as you realize that every single person lives in a unique way. If you have ever lived with siblings, roommates, friends, family members, or partners, then you know that each and every human has little quirks on how they live day to day. Some people never make their bed, some never leave home without making their bed; some of us do dishes immediately, and some let them pile high; some people flush the toilet, and some let the yellow mellow; some people leave all the lights on, and some of us obsessively turn each light off to conserve energy; some people leave the door open, and some recognize the heat seeping out and quickly close the door; some people like toilet paper put on the roll a certain way, and some people don't even bother putting the toilet paper on the roll and let it sit on the counter; some people like silence, some like music constantly playing, and some let the TV on all day- even if they aren't watching it. So needless to say, Leo and I didn't really know what living in a house together would be like...
Turns out, we live pretty similarly...I do turn things off and unplug them more than him, but he is getting used to bringing awareness to his actions with energy. We both live under the "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down". We are pretty good at taking turns with chores and keep the space similarly clean, comfortably homey (If anything I have more clutter than him, but I am working on that too). Leo does leave out two random items no matter what... his toothbrush never makes it back in the mug and the peanut butter never makes it back into the cupboard. I took notice of this, and after a few times of putting them away, I casually mentioned it to Leo. He kinda laughed at me and shrugged it off (as if my random journals and yoga notes on the counter don't bug him). Then I realized that it doesn't harm me to put them away. Putting his toothbrush back into the mug on the counter, and placing the peanut butter jar back into the cupboard isn't taking anything from me and it's not harming me if I choose to ignore them and let them be where they are. Why do we find faults in others that "annoy" us and spend time and energy on them when they are causing nothing in my life to change? It would be different if Leo left everything out and the house was a mess. But I am pretty sure I can deal with peanut butter jars and a toothbrush. Besides 99% of the time he puts the toilet seat down, and that's something to be happy about. In fact, that's what I am doing, I am trying to spend my energy appreciating all the things he does that I love. And each day I find that list is growing. :) |
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February 2018
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