The morning after we returned to Pennsylvania for the holidays, we had a sonogram. We have been discussing the gender since we found out we were pregnant, and if we would want it to be a surprise or if we would find out what we were having. I always thought I would wait until delivery day. It's the one time in your life you can be completely surprised, and I love surprises. But I knew Leo wanted to know and after a few months of dreaming it was a girl, we decided it may be good to find out so we can process it. We only have looked deeply at girl names, because for some reason we felt feminine energy coming through strong. And if you look at the wives tale, the baby's heartbeat has always been on the high range, which is meant to suggest it's a girl. We were so excited to see how much the baby has grown, and to see that the site from the bleed is completely healed. We saw the baby's head, torso, legs and arms. We saw fingers and toes and movement. And then the technician said the words I will never forget "It's a boy". What?! A boy?! Leo and I looked at each other in disbelief. She then said, "Let's get another angle and really be sure". Within a few moments the angle she found gave a pretty clear vision of a penis. In fact she stated that she was "99% positive it's a boy" and if we were to have a girl we must bring the baby in to see her, because with this angle she never would believe us that we delivered a girl. We were both shocked. Not that we cared one way or the other, and truly wanted a healthy baby. But we both had been so convinced it was a girl that we didn't even know what to say. I like to process my feelings as they arise, vocally, with discussion and allowing everything to flow out of me so I can see all me emotions laid out on the table. But Leo likes to process internally. In fact, he digs so deep within, that until he has every last dot of his feelings and thoughts connected, he often remains in silence. This is hard for me, as the woman carrying his baby, who just got shocked and wants to verbally dissect all her feelings, in both celebration that it is a boy, and also to release all the feelings of the baby being a girl. I didn't know what to say or think or do, but I wanted to experience all the unknown verbally with Leo. But he, on the other hand, wanted to take a few hours, days, weeks, or months (who knows how long?!) to process that we were having a boy. His processing, I knew, would go deeper than mine. I was comfortable raising either gender, but I knew Leo had a little fear around our first child being a boy. He was raised in a military family, therefore he was used to females surrounding him. This has led to him having many close female friends and also him feeling more prepared to father a little girl. The thought of how to raise a boy was more taunting for him. Even though I know he will be an amazing father no matter what the gender, Leo was more confident in raising a girl. He helped raise his little sister, but he did not have many male role models who showed him how to raise a boy. So, there I was walking down the hall of the hospital wanting to celebrate in the surprise, but recognizing that Leo needed a little time to process. How can we both get what we need in this moment? How can I get the love and support in celebrating this secret we share, but also honor his process and let him take time to dig deep into his feelings of raising a boy? I couldn't wait any longer, so I told my mom and siblings that we knew what it was. Surely they would want to know right away, especially since I lied to them and told them we weren't finding out. But I already had a cake being made to reveal the gender the following night. I contacted my mom and she said Wednesday night wouldn't work for her and she wanted to find out tonight. I quickly called the woman making our cake and she happily put the cake in the oven immediately. We would gather with my grandparents, parents, siblings, aunt/uncle, cousins and friend to share the news in just six hours. I sure hoped Leo would be ready to celebrate with everyone. I was busting at the seams with excitement, confusion, love, and happiness. We picked up the cake and I saw Leo feeling into the experience. He started to show his happiness in all that we were experiencing. And I was so happy to think that I would get to raise a little Leo with him. The next day, my sister convinced me to go to some holiday vendor show at a local hotel. When we arrived, about 30 of my closest family and friends were there to greet me with a "Surprise" Baby Shower. My mother out did herself again. As if picking us up at the airport on Monday after a full days of work after recovering from a chemo treatment the week before, hosting a last minute gender reveal, hosting a Christmas Eve family party, and Christmas Day festivities weren't enough for her in one week; she squeezed in a surprise baby shower, too?! I was beyond grateful and so excited to be able to share the joy of bringing in our child with so many people I love. I didn't think we would be able to have a shower in my hometown because after the holidays I am not returning home until after the baby is born. But I should know better than to think that my mom would let me bring a baby into the world without having a shower for us. We had lots of yummy food, games, and were blessed with lots of presents and gift cards to help us prepare for the baby. It's amazing how much you can spend on car seats, bedding, clothing, diapers and all the basics for a baby. We don't plan to have lots of extras, but even getting the basics to make parenting a little more comfortable in the early months costs lots of money. We were so grateful for all the blessings that showered on us from our family and friends. It's quite funny to think that I was planning a surprise baby gender reveal the same night my mom already had a surprise baby shower planned. And Leo knew the whole time, didn't know what to say, and just allowed it all to play out. It ended up being a perfect start to our time at home. We got to see lots of people I hold dear in my heart, celebrate our baby boy, and embrace all the gifts we were receiving. This is part of what makes the idea of parenting without my family near us so challenging. But I know in my heart, we are meant to be on the west coast for this moment in time.
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We finally saw the inside of the house we will be renting when we return to California after the holidays. It was more perfect than we could have pictured it. There are two bedrooms, laundry area, large open living area and kitchen with lots of granite countertops, and a bathroom! Yes, I get to use a toilet at night now! There is a nice deck out back looking out into the pine covered acre of land, and the studio next door will be empty by the time we return. We are already envisioning the magic that we can create in this space for our family, and also community gatherings. Everything has fallen into place, and mostly just because we trusted. Had I rushed and bought tickets to Hawaii (which Leo helped slow me down in doing) we wouldn't have ended up here in this house to nest. Trust and faith in the perfect divine timing has been the greatest lesson of the past year. So we have an awesome house, and now we just have to sell the bus to help pay for it and also pay for a midwife. The area we are moving has the highest home birth rate in the nation, and so many amazing midwives to choose from. We met with two of them that work as a team this week. We really enjoyed the laid back feeling of sitting on a couch and talking to the midwives and really allowing them to see us for who we are. This is so important in thinking about the person(s) who will be helping you welcome in your baby to the world. My previous doctors appointments in Pennsylvania were much different. Everyone was nice, but it was so formal and fake. If we were to deliver there, I feel like they really wouldn't be in tune with me and my baby and what our intentions for the birthing process may be. Don't get me wrong, I know a birth plan can easily get thrown out the window when you are actually in labor. But it was still nice to have two women who wanted to get to know me and Leo and really see what it was we felt comfortable with in regards to delivering our first child. We will be meeting another pair of midwives when we return in January and will make a decision on who feels like the best fit for delivery day. We are packing up the bus and preparing to head to PA for a few weeks for the holidays. We will then get my car and drive back to northern California and begin the nesting process. But first up, flying home and seeing our little baby on the 19 week ultrasound! We can find out the gender if we want...and everyone wants us to. I didn't want to originally, but since Leo and I are both leaning towards girl, maybe we should confirm. Or maybe not! ;) Ever since I found out we were expecting, I have been trying to figure out where the best place to nest would be. Having spent the past nine months traveling back and forth across the country, we need to decide exactly where we want to settle down to prepare for, birth, and nurse our new little one. We had planned to winter in Hawaii, so we thought that since Leo's parents and sister and many friends are in Hawaii, it still would be a great place to nest. I have spent months envisioning walking the beach with a big bare belly as I patiently navigate the final trimester. Sunshine, salt water, sand, and island life sounds exactly perfect to begin our family. Leo, on the other hand has reminded me to stay open and trust, that we will be exactly where I need to be. But as my uterus expands and the baby grows, I started growing impatient and decided we should decide soon.
We took our bus to a local family to look at to potentially buy. We told them of our plans to nest in Hawaii and that we needed to sell the bus to help us with the move. The couple who has four children and are amazing folks who are happy, work hard, enjoy life, teach their children values, travel, and seem like great mentors for us as we begin our parenting journey. While I sat inside the bus connecting to the mother, Leo spent his time outside investigating under the hood of the bus, but more importantly connecting to the man who convinced him we should nest here, in northern California. They decided the bus was a little smaller than they wanted, but that they have a house that just opened up in Nevada City and we should check it out as a possible space to raise our growing family. Life had just thrown us a curve ball. I had just felt like I almost convinced Leo to start looking at plane tickets to Hawaii, and here we were driving to an address in Nevada City as a possible home. The fact that a house even fell into our lap was a miracle in itself. Finding housing in the area is very difficult, especially for an affordable price. As we drove up the hill, winding through the pines, we both felt it. We knew it was the place that was perfect for us. We pulled the bus into the driveway of the house and no words were needed. We didn't need to see the inside, we didn't need to see the amazing back yard that is over an acre of pine trees. Our inner guidance told us that we were home. We spent the next week talking on the phone with the landowner (the guy who looked at the bus) to figure out details on payments and when we could see the inside. But before the timing to look at the inside came, we committed to the house. We didn't need to see it from the inside, we trusted that it would be perfect for us. In fact, we knew that there was studio apartment next to the house that would also potentially be perfect for me to use for massage and yoga clients. And that in the process of pregnancy and first months with a baby, we could probably manifest the perfect friends to move in to the studio. So that was it, decision made, house unseen. We had a home. I was sitting on the bus with my knees bent facing the sky and feet tucked in to my rear....my belly was squished and I realized it felt a little bigger. I was eating (again) and settling into the bus for the night with Leo. Then, out of the blue, there it was! The first official kick, or high five, from the baby. It was so tiny, like an eraser of a pencil gently touched my belly from the inside super fast. I quickly put my legs down and wondered if I was squishing the little one. And then I wondered if I was imagining what I felt? But there was no doubt was I wasn't imagining it. It was absolutely a new sensation. I could see why some women mistake the first few weeks of movements as digestive movement or gas. But I just knew this was my first physical contact with the baby.
Every morning I have been waking up to a small little bump near a scar on my abdomen (from the temporary ileostomy). At first I thought it was the baby, but then my mind stepped into FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). The last time I had a bump on my belly of similar size was when my small intestine had an obstruction. Was my small bowel infected?! But I stopped the thoughts in their tracks, there was absolutely no need to take my thought patterns to a negative train that would roll through many mountains of doubts and fears that were not a reality. And deep down, I really knew it was the baby. As if it were all curled up in a ball and settled into my surface layer of belly. Over the course of the next week, the bump felt as if it had grown slightly, but it was always in the exact same spot as soon as I would wake up. I sleep on my side, and no matter what side I sleep on, as soon as I roll onto my back, I feel the bump. It disappears once I wake up to relieve my bladder, and doesn't reappear again until the following morning after a long night's sleep. Relieving my bladder...oh what an interesting topic. Having to pee all the time is always a common pregnancy symptom. It's one of the symptoms that most people know about even if they know absolutely nothing about growing a human inside the female body. I was surprised that waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom was one of my first symptoms before I got a confirmation we were expecting. How is that even possible when the baby was barely a centimeter long?! Needless to say, I suspect that my trips to the bathroom are going to be increasing in the next few months. Actually, I hope that they become trips to the bathroom...you see, I have been peeing outside most the time during the day, and in the middle of the night when it's super cold out, I pee in a bucket! Yes life on a bus, I urinate in a bucket. It was only going to be for one night, so I didn't have to go squat outside on a cold night, but then the weather kept getting colder. So every night, at least once, I urinate in the small bucket (grateful my Papa left it on the bus for us to use for garbage) and every morning Leo is amazing and takes it outside, dumps it, and cleans it with Dr Bronners. Seriously, what a partner! There is one thing that is for sure though, in a few months, this mama will not be squatting to pee. It's time we decide on where we are living because I need a toilet. |
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February 2018
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