Ever since I got pregnant I haven't been able to eat healthy. I only get nauseous at dinner time and have not thrown up (yet). I am grateful that its just an hour or two of nausea in the evening....BUT all of my normal foods I can't eat. I am talking everything I usually LOVE to cook and eat, I can't even smell. No broccoli, cauliflower, squash, no kale....NOTHING HEALTHY.... This child must be Leo's because all I am craving is sweets and junk food. hah. I had been gluten free on and off for years, but strictly the last four months before I got pregnant. But now I am craving gluten! I want bread and pasta and cereal... What is this child doing to me?! So I caved in, I realized that maybe my body is just completely stocked up on all the vitamins and minerals from all my favorite vegetables, and perhaps this child needs a little exposure to some gluten. So I slowly started introducing gluten back into my diet and it's going well. I try to be sure it's organic and I don't have it with every single meal. But once a day if I am wanting a burrito in a flour tortilla or something that may have a little gluten in it, I let it be. I don't plan to keep doing this for very long, but a little gluten exposure seems to be what I am suppose to be giving to the baby. Another reminder that sometimes everything in moderation is ok. Speaking of, why do I want red wine? I probably have drank a total of ten times in the past year. And that means a glass of wine or a little sake with dinner. There was a night or two in Bali last spring that I had more than one drink, but really I have barely drank alcohol in the past 7 years. It's easy for me to go six months or longer without a drop of it. And now I want a glass of wine...or even sake? Upon thinking about this, I came to the realization that Leo and I have never drank together. Occasionally he may have a beer and one or two times I had a little sake with some sushi, but we never have both had alcohol in our system at the same time. I have never been in a relationship where I haven't drank with my partner at least occasionally. And I am pretty proud to say that we never needed any alcohol to enjoy each others company. We have been together literally 24/7 since a week after we met, minus a few days I flew home to go to the beach with my family last June. When you travel in a car, live in a tent, and know when each other is going to poop in the woods or pee behind a tree, shower together in a lake or river, and really never leave each others sight for more than an hour for months straight...well let's just say it accelerates the relationship. You learn very quickly the ins and outs of one another. There is nothing to hide, because there is nowhere to hide. We formed a foundation that was as real as it could get and so we decided that it was exactly what we both desired in a life partner. And also accepted that we felt like we were supposed to birth some babies together and raise a family. The conversation about starting a family came sort of out of the blue. I was looking at my google calendar and saw an old entry from a manifesting class I took last fall. One assignment had us put on our calendar at least three BIG DREAMS with very specific dates. I already had one come true. I manifested over $2000 in cash within a week to get me to Bali. I set my intention on going to Bali Spirit Fest in September and put it on my calendar for March 2016. In December 2015, I looked at plane tickets to see how much they cost, and investigated an approximate budget to travel for up to three weeks. I decided that to travel with freedom to enjoy some yummy foods and extra outings with my dear friend Lindsay, that I would be really safe if I had $2000. Well, that was a lot of money...especially since tickets were on super sale at the time and if I wanted to lock in that cheap price I would need the money asap. The following week I showed up at my yoga and massage studio. When I opened the door there was an envelope with my name on it. It was thick and I had no idea what it could be. I opened it and read the card: "Thanks for all you bring to our community. Here is some money for your ventures. - Like Minded Folk". And then I removed the cash...a lot of it. I handed it to my sister (who was working for me) and she ran her fingers through so quickly due to her previous banking experience. "Two thousand dollars?!!!!!" she said. "WHAT?!" I responded, " Thank you, thank you, thank you God." I dropped to my knees in thanks as tears filled my eyes. I couldn't believe it. In less than one week I had the money for Bali. And my first date from the Manifesting assignment was becoming a reality. I was going to actually be in Bali during the dates that were on my calendar from September. And within one week of revisiting that intention, all the money flowed to me. (Oh I also manifested some $700 in cash a week or two before that...I felt like I was spending lots of money on business finances and didn't have anything left at the end of each pay check to pay myself. I left work one evening and claimed "Time to attract some cash abundance". I got home that night and my mom told me she had cashed in some random life insurance policy and each of her children got $700 cash. So back to making babies...I also had put on my manifesting google calendar that I would be with my life partner and expecting our first child in April 2017. At the time I placed this on my calendar it made absolutely no sense to me. I still wasn't convinced I wanted to be a mother, and although at the time I picked a date that seemed REALLY far away, I had no idea where it came from. Why this date and why would I think I would be ready for a child then? But I put it on the calendar. And ten months later I saw the date on my calendar. I exclaimed "Oh my gosh!", and realized Leo was sitting right there. He asked what was wrong, and I shared with him that I just found something in my calendar and I couldn't believe it could be something that may really happen by then. This led to us discussing children. Is he the life partner I dreamed of? Was I the life partner he dreamed of? We decided we definitely wanted children together, and that it was something that probably would happen next year. But two days later when our friends were riding in the back of the car and started asking us when we were going to make them Uncles/Aunties, we just looked at each other in shock. How on Earth did they know we had began discussing this? We just let them talk about it, and in the following weeks we discussed more in private. We felt it was something that we absolutely were supposed to do together. So, we threw all caution to the wind and trusted in Divine timing. We thought maybe in six, or eight, or even twelve months it would become a reality. Little did we know, that reality would be in our laps in less than three weeks. And that google calendar date of April 2017 was reality...we are expecting our little one in May 2017...so yes in April I will be with my life partner, expecting our first child. Be careful what you manifest folks. ;) So here I sit, hungry (minus the hours of 5-7pm)...trying to figure out what I can possibly eat since all my go to healthy meals aren't even able to be in the vicinity of my nose. Guess it looks like I am eating some cereal...or maybe pasta...but definitely not the amazing salmon and veggies meal that Leo just spent the last hour making for me. I definitely can not eat that. :(
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Two weeks of bed rest was so hard.....It's really difficult for me to think back to last year and remember that I spent close to 9 months in bed. But when you get put on bed rest, or get the flu, or have any other life circumstance bring you to stillness, you realize how busy you have been. And sometimes in that busy-ness, no matter how much fun you are having, you get a little disconnected. You forget to breathe...you forget to take an hour each day for yourself, you forget how much you love being in a kitchen, you forget how beneficial a two hour morning practice is ( my practice used to go from self massage to a shower to yoga and meditation to mindfully cooking and eating breakfast to setting intentions for my day )...Our bodies remind us of this when we need it. I was growing a human inside of myself and I needed to rest and connect and put my feet up to enjoy the transition my life was taking.
I let Leo make most my meals, I slept, I watched TV (by the way I think I have a million ideas for TV shows that could actually inspire and help change the world for the better...and none of these ideas are on the television except for the new show This Is Us and Super Soul Sunday). I got out of bed a little earlier than I should though. I booked massages and Body Memory Recall sessions. I taught yoga. I did all of these things after ten days, but I still didn't make it to the full two weeks. Why do we humans have such a hard time being still? In contemplating this I realized there was one (well many) thing that I really had hoped to do before becoming a mother. For years I have been waiting for the perfect time to go to a Vipassana. You sit for ten days in silence, in meditation. You face your own ego, your mind, your fears, your own obsession of repeating thoughts until you finally find the silence. Now I think last year when I was healing through the health crisis I did find this in my own way. But Vipassana always appealed to me, I felt there would be some major life realizations and changes that would come from it. Maybe that's the reason I haven't done it yet? Maybe I just wasn't ready for those changes...or maybe the timing will just be better some other days ahead. Either way, now that I will be a mother, I can't imagine going anywhere alone for ten days. Is this normal? Don't some moms want a break to rejuvenate? Already I am feeling like I can't separate from my children for more than maybe a few days, and only if they are with someone like my mother who I would trust fully for that extended period of time. Although I know they would eat lots of treats and not necessarily be living day to day how I intend, they still would have all the love and safety that only their Mimi can provide. What if I want to go away for a week retreat? Will I be able to do this before my children turn 18? I like to imagine so....but even still I think it will be a good decade or longer before I can bare a whole week away from them. How do some parents go weeks, months, years without seeing their children? How did my biological father go a good six months or more every year without seeing me? How does a parent not even call their child for their birthday? There's one day in each year when each of us was brought to life...how do parents forget the miracle they witnessed...or missed witnessing? It's so early in my pregnancy and I am already wanting to experience so much with my children. The time came last week to see how the subchorionic bleed was healing. In order for baby to keep growing, the bleed must be healed on its own. The sonogram showed it had healed. You could still see that there was .8cm of a line left but the rest had healed and it looked like everything should be fine for a normal pregnancy. I guess these bleeds are common and if they occur in the first trimester, most women go on to have a normal pregnancy. It's more difficult to heal them later in the pregnancy and I was relieved it happened early, if it was going to happen. It was amazing to see how much the baby had grown in just two weeks. It went from having little nubs to having full arms and legs and a distinguished body! Normally women don't see this progression of the child because sonograms are often only done around 8 weeks and then again around 18 weeks...but we got to see the baby four times from week 6 to week 10. I wasn't thrilled that we had to do this because I wondered what the sonogram waves may due to the baby and its development, but I stayed focused on the positive enjoyed seeing the baby develop so quickly. When we got the print out from the sonogram, I witnessed Leo's first real Proud Dad Moment. The one picture appeared to be showing our baby giving the Peace Sign with its fingers! Our baby is a PEACE BABY. It was conceived on Sacred Land in North Dakota and now it's giving us the Peace Sign! We have a little warrior already. Leo was so proud to think of his child being a Peace Warrior. The struggles we have witnessed in our country this past year have been hard on the spirit sometimes. We know that the fight for peace and a world community of healthy people and planet is a long fight. We sometimes feel defeated with it. But the reason we stand up for the good of all is truly for the Next 7 Generations...and if we now are bringing in a new generation through our union, our desire for a peaceful world got even stronger. It's a bit reassuring to think our child will be standing by us as a Light Warrior. Here is our announcement to the FB world. Proud Dad couldn't wait to share this picture, but I insisted he wait until I at least get to 11 weeks. Really with the scare we had, we should have probably waited longer to share our news. But we were just too happy and proud. We knew that the world could be in on our journey no matter what the outcome because it's the reality of our life. If we share our joys, and our struggles, then we give others permission to be vulnerable and transparent with their Real Life. What Reality are you Birthing? **Not too bad for Leo's first Pumpkin carving. ;) ** |
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February 2018
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