The morning after we returned to Pennsylvania for the holidays, we had a sonogram. We have been discussing the gender since we found out we were pregnant, and if we would want it to be a surprise or if we would find out what we were having. I always thought I would wait until delivery day. It's the one time in your life you can be completely surprised, and I love surprises. But I knew Leo wanted to know and after a few months of dreaming it was a girl, we decided it may be good to find out so we can process it. We only have looked deeply at girl names, because for some reason we felt feminine energy coming through strong. And if you look at the wives tale, the baby's heartbeat has always been on the high range, which is meant to suggest it's a girl. We were so excited to see how much the baby has grown, and to see that the site from the bleed is completely healed. We saw the baby's head, torso, legs and arms. We saw fingers and toes and movement. And then the technician said the words I will never forget "It's a boy". What?! A boy?! Leo and I looked at each other in disbelief. She then said, "Let's get another angle and really be sure". Within a few moments the angle she found gave a pretty clear vision of a penis. In fact she stated that she was "99% positive it's a boy" and if we were to have a girl we must bring the baby in to see her, because with this angle she never would believe us that we delivered a girl. We were both shocked. Not that we cared one way or the other, and truly wanted a healthy baby. But we both had been so convinced it was a girl that we didn't even know what to say. I like to process my feelings as they arise, vocally, with discussion and allowing everything to flow out of me so I can see all me emotions laid out on the table. But Leo likes to process internally. In fact, he digs so deep within, that until he has every last dot of his feelings and thoughts connected, he often remains in silence. This is hard for me, as the woman carrying his baby, who just got shocked and wants to verbally dissect all her feelings, in both celebration that it is a boy, and also to release all the feelings of the baby being a girl. I didn't know what to say or think or do, but I wanted to experience all the unknown verbally with Leo. But he, on the other hand, wanted to take a few hours, days, weeks, or months (who knows how long?!) to process that we were having a boy. His processing, I knew, would go deeper than mine. I was comfortable raising either gender, but I knew Leo had a little fear around our first child being a boy. He was raised in a military family, therefore he was used to females surrounding him. This has led to him having many close female friends and also him feeling more prepared to father a little girl. The thought of how to raise a boy was more taunting for him. Even though I know he will be an amazing father no matter what the gender, Leo was more confident in raising a girl. He helped raise his little sister, but he did not have many male role models who showed him how to raise a boy. So, there I was walking down the hall of the hospital wanting to celebrate in the surprise, but recognizing that Leo needed a little time to process. How can we both get what we need in this moment? How can I get the love and support in celebrating this secret we share, but also honor his process and let him take time to dig deep into his feelings of raising a boy? I couldn't wait any longer, so I told my mom and siblings that we knew what it was. Surely they would want to know right away, especially since I lied to them and told them we weren't finding out. But I already had a cake being made to reveal the gender the following night. I contacted my mom and she said Wednesday night wouldn't work for her and she wanted to find out tonight. I quickly called the woman making our cake and she happily put the cake in the oven immediately. We would gather with my grandparents, parents, siblings, aunt/uncle, cousins and friend to share the news in just six hours. I sure hoped Leo would be ready to celebrate with everyone. I was busting at the seams with excitement, confusion, love, and happiness. We picked up the cake and I saw Leo feeling into the experience. He started to show his happiness in all that we were experiencing. And I was so happy to think that I would get to raise a little Leo with him. The next day, my sister convinced me to go to some holiday vendor show at a local hotel. When we arrived, about 30 of my closest family and friends were there to greet me with a "Surprise" Baby Shower. My mother out did herself again. As if picking us up at the airport on Monday after a full days of work after recovering from a chemo treatment the week before, hosting a last minute gender reveal, hosting a Christmas Eve family party, and Christmas Day festivities weren't enough for her in one week; she squeezed in a surprise baby shower, too?! I was beyond grateful and so excited to be able to share the joy of bringing in our child with so many people I love. I didn't think we would be able to have a shower in my hometown because after the holidays I am not returning home until after the baby is born. But I should know better than to think that my mom would let me bring a baby into the world without having a shower for us. We had lots of yummy food, games, and were blessed with lots of presents and gift cards to help us prepare for the baby. It's amazing how much you can spend on car seats, bedding, clothing, diapers and all the basics for a baby. We don't plan to have lots of extras, but even getting the basics to make parenting a little more comfortable in the early months costs lots of money. We were so grateful for all the blessings that showered on us from our family and friends. It's quite funny to think that I was planning a surprise baby gender reveal the same night my mom already had a surprise baby shower planned. And Leo knew the whole time, didn't know what to say, and just allowed it all to play out. It ended up being a perfect start to our time at home. We got to see lots of people I hold dear in my heart, celebrate our baby boy, and embrace all the gifts we were receiving. This is part of what makes the idea of parenting without my family near us so challenging. But I know in my heart, we are meant to be on the west coast for this moment in time.
0 Comments
|
Birthing RealityA journey into motherhood, shifting consciousness, exploring life partnership, and welcoming in the new. Archives
February 2018
Categories |