This is me, June 2015. I had just been released from the hospital due to a major flare up with Crohn's Disease. I was told I needed surgery to survive, but I thought a miracle was possible. After a week in the hospital hooked up to IV's, I convinced the doctors and myself that I could go home. In my mind, I would heal through food, prayer, and mindfulness. In the doctors eyes, if I could gain ten pounds I would be more likely to have a successful surgery removing part of the small bowel and possibly avoid an ileostomy bag. They scheduled me with the surgeon I personally chose (after I refused the first surgeon available who wanted to cut into asap), a woman, who had amazing reviews and had a long waiting list. In two months, I would have surgery. Meanwhile, I had to hope the fistula from my intestine to my bladder, which caused feces to flow through my urine, would remain closed off. Somehow, it closed itself off from the hole it punctured in my bladder and there was hope I could gain weight. I went home on my 32nd birthday. I had spent months in pain and the idea of sitting at my parent's house for two months, awaiting a miracle, yet also working for it with diet, meditation, prayer, music, journaling, and more seemed challenging. But I knew I had to give it my best. I was watching my mother prepare for another surgery for ovarian cancer, and the last thing I wanted was for her to worry about me. But quite honestly, I was wasting away to nothing. I was down to 84 pounds and could barely walk to the bathroom. So I decided to give it my best. I maybe could be an example for my mother, to change all the little things in life that can end up giving us so much stress that our bodies attack themselves. DIS-EASE....dis ease in the body turns into a disease with a medical label. I got a nutritionist/life coach from Massachusetts who put me on a strict healing regimen with diet and attending to all my emotional and spiritual needs. No one could do any of this for me. Only I could take the step forward and work towards healing myself. I knew a lot of the stress on my physical body had stemmed from denying my inner calling. My desire to move home to help my mom heal from cancer, led to me opening a yoga and massage studio to help the community. But in the end, I was taking care of everyone else and not myself. My support of friends who were in my tribe and saw life as a spiritual path and way of living no longer existed. I had entered and remained in a relationship that caused more stress than anything, although I will always be grateful for all the lessons learned. Access to the best nutritional food was not as easy as it had been for me living in Asheville, NC or Central America and I was being poisoned by the food and water in my home town, rather than fed nutrients. I needed to take more time and energy to get the healthy foods I needed, and this meant avoiding going out to eat completely in my hometown, which is challenging because sometimes you just want to have someone else cook for you. I moved into a camper in my parents backyard, which connected to my grandparents yard also. I secluded myself and barely talked to anyone for months. Though my family was concerned for such seclusion, I enjoyed this and found so much healing in that camper. I wrote, I sang, I played guitar, I cried, I laughed, I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. And I finally found myself again. The person I had been so connected to a few years earlier. The one who would have recognized the unhappy person I had become long before she could allow it to become a daily routine. The woman who could tune into the higher version of herself and know deep within what choices were the best. I found my strength which was my spirit. I found happiness. I found my TRUST in my path even though I couldn't see more than a few hours down it. And then I stumbled backwards, got lost in some old emotions for a few days, and my gut health deteriorated faster than I could catch up with. My mom had surgery the same week and I couldn't go and support her. I had major tests done a week or so after and found that the worst was true, surgery must happen for me. And in fact, the surgeon I chose had an unexpected opening and I was at the top of the list. So without any preparations, I was preparing for surgery weeks earlier than scheduled, alone and scared. My family in Pennsylvania were all helping my mom recover, my sister was days away from delivering my niece (which I was meant to attend the birth and be in the room with her, an honor that I sadly wouldn't get to do). My biological father and step mother amazingly stepped up, drove six hours to Cleveland Clinic, and were there the first two nights so the doctors could deliver all the updates to someone in my family. I was in denial, all the work I spent the past six months doing was falling apart. I let my emotions take over my gut and was back in the hospital with no choice but surgery. So I went back to my inner higher version of myself. I needed TRUST. I focused on healing quickly, doctors who would be divinely guided to do the best they could possibly do. Nurses who would attend to my every need. At this point, there were so many unknowns. How much small intestine would they remove? Would I need a temporary ileostomy or even worse, a permanent one? How long would recovery be? Would I ever live a "normal" life? I came out of surgery and had a pretty horribly loud and negative roommate but thank goodness my dad and step mom helped me get a new room. I came off the morphine drip as quickly as I could. I made myself walk when I had so much pain the thought alone of moving my foot one inch ahead of me was painful. I refused most of the oral pain meds after a few days. I refused a lot of the food they tried to feed me also. I had family and friends that went to Whole Foods and purchased healthier options. But I found a depression take over me. See, I awoke after surgery to an ileostomy. I was so malnourished that my body wouldn't be able to repair the area that had been stitched together fast enough to avoid infection once I started eating. So they pulled part of the small bowel out of my stomach and fastened a bag to my abdomen, therefore all my bowel movements came out of the bag. I was mostly fed through an IV. I had a temporary PICC line put in my arm where the IV's attached and delivered me 2000 calories each day. The food I did eat came out so quickly that they claimed I wouldn't get any nutrients from it, but I was still determined to put healthy nourishing foods in me and that I would get something from it. I got mad, super angry when a nurse came to show me how to change the ileostomy bag. This wasn't my life. At one point I remember thinking I should have let myself die, I never should have had the surgery. My family members that came to visit me got sad when they saw how my mental state was so unhappy. They didn't recognize me, and I didn't recognize myself...mostly because it was NOT me. I was so disconnected to my truest self and the physical person was not acting in any way that was true to me. But then I had a few days alone. I had an infection from the surgery and no one was there to help me through it. They had to put a long needle in my butt and take out the fluid infection that was settling in my pelvis. In fact, they were in such a rush to do it, they almost mixed two IV's of meds that don't go together and could have killed me. Thanks goodness I was alert and very questioning of EVERYTHING they did and gave me. It annoyed them, but in this instance it possibly saved my life. (It's ok to question western medicine, it's also ok to accept it....but always be aware of all the choices). I ended up in the hospital for ten days. Many of them alone. But by the end of the stay, I had found a guitar and some paint. I knew only I could walk the path back to myself again. I played music in the hallway, I painted my niece a picture. I read books. I slept. But I left convinced I would be back in the two month period which they said would be the earliest they could test me to see if the ileostomy would be able to be removed. At that point, there were no guarantees, but there was a chance I could heal enough and gain enough weight to have it reversed at the earliest in mid October but probably after that. I got home, and was overtaken by a deep sadness of what daily life looked like when you had home nurse visits, daily IV's in the PICC line for 10-16 hours, changing the ileostomy bag on your own, and no one that could do those things for you. I had to learn to hook myself up to the IV. I could only leave the house for an hour or two because of the IV schedule the first two weeks. I had to change the bag every time it filled up. I had to write down my temperature, how often the bag needed changed, and a variety of other things to make sure no infection was taking over. Then I had to email the reports every few days. Self care consumed my life, but it wasn't the kind of self care I liked. I miss being able to be secluded in the camper, but it wasn't "sanitary" enough for the PICC line and IV's. I had nights where the IV wouldn't hook up properly and I would miss out on 2000 calories and drop up to five pounds over night. After one of those nights, I hit my deepest, darkest moment of my life. I wished I had died. I pounded my fist into the table and saw my parents faces of helplessness. And in that instant, I knew I was so disconnected from the real ME and that I never wanted to see that look in my parent's eyes ever again. The next day, I made myself sit on the ground and inhale my arms up over my head. This caused so much excruciating pain because of the tissues binding together in my ribcage and abdomen from so much laying in bed. But I knew I needed to come back to my BREATH. Back to the life force within. Back to myself. I heard an inner voice tell me that I had the option to walk my path now, fully, but I had to trust. I had to believe in the unknown and know that I could be healed and help others just by doing my own work. I had a purpose and I could follow it if only I had a deep TRUST in the unknown. If I could connect to my higher self and walk my path, all would be revealed in Divine Timing. And so, I took the first step. I cried, I laughed, I sung out loud again, I smiled, I cooked meals and filled them with love, and I asked for help along the way- any kind of guidance. I signed up for a Manifestation Masters program online with Jen Mazer and I began it the second week of September. This happens to be the week that I emailed Leo, my baby's daddy and my amazing partner. I wrote him about collaborating on a healing retreat as I had seen some of his posts on Facebook in a group we are a part of and I felt called to do some work with him. We wrote briefly that month and talked about Skyping the following month but it never happened. Instead we both continued our own healing journeys for another eight months, and were divinely led to one another at what appeared to be a random chance meeting the following May in Ohio. In the Manifesting Program I strengthened many parts of connecting to myself, and I found that I was describing a life with a partner and children that I never had imagined I would want. I wrote details on how we would communicate, projects we would collaborate on, where we would live, the people that would surround us and the places we would travel. The feelings were so strong and I didn't know where the details were coming from but I wrote all of this dream life down in September 2015, just 5 weeks after surgery. And never would I expect to be where I am today....but I knew at that time that I needed to TRUST in the DIVINE plan, do MY BEST to work toward the calling I heard deep within. I had a two hour morning routine to deepen my connection and self care. Connecting to myself was so incredible that there are no words for it. I felt connected to the unseen and the seen, the Divine at work, and inner knowledge that spoke louder than ever. And I even surprised all the doctors and had the reversal of the ileostomy at the earliest possible point AND was released from the hospital less than 48 hours later, without pain meds by October 2015. The nurses had never seen such a quick recovery. After nine months of a healing phase, I learned to accept the unknown, and live each day fully with intention and to continue to strive to do my best. So with that, I have entered into a relationship and pregnancy, and soon labor and mothering our first child. I have heard many questions of how do I feel? Many mothers remember the last few weeks of pregnancy being pretty miserable. And quite honestly, last night was not the best night of sleep, and was really uncomfortable with a tight back and belly that is hard to roll over with. BUT I am blessed. I know I only have a few days or maybe weeks left to feel my little guy rolling around in my belly. And while I am so excited to hold him and see his face and count his toes, I will miss feeling him resting safely in my womb. All of this positivity and looking at the glass half full, I believe, helps me to feel good. BUT it's not without moments of struggle. I just found out that my mother's healing with cancer is not going as "planned" and has seemingly taken a turn for the worst. This means, I don't know if she will be flying out in May to meet her grandson. And I can't even imagine not having her along for this new journey I am embarking on. But I go back to TRUST. I trust in all my prayers and those of others that her path will be exactly as it should be. I trust that I have the strength to be able to do what it is on my path of being her daughter will require me to do. I trust that answers will be shown to us. I trust that I can and will support her. I trust that I have learned so much from her and that I will be able to be an amazing mother to my child because of it. I trust that I will have the strength to push out a baby and do so with love and ability to embrace the birthing process. I trust that somehow, my baby will meet my mama within the first month of being born. And I trust, that every single person who has read this ridiculously long blog will take just a few moments to pray for my mother today and her healing. <3 ***IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THE MANIFESTING MASTERS PROGRAM I MENTIONED, EMAIL ME FROM THE CONTACT PAGE ASAP AND I CAN GET YOU DETAILS ON THE NEXT PROGRAM STARTING IN MAY!!***
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I have found that there are many superficial pregnancy symptoms and experiences that are common knowledge to discuss. But what about the depths of what it really feels like and what it means for a woman during the process of growing another human inside of them.
We all have heard that pregnant women are hormonal, eat more, sleep more (or less if their bodies can't get comfortable), get tired easily, go through a nesting phase, have back pain, can get postpartum depression, have painful deliveries, pee a lot and more. But what does all of this really feel like deep down for the woman and what does it potentially all mean for them during the experience? Why don't we commonly discuss all the depths of the realities? It feels like everything remains superficial and the depths of the conversations around pregnancy are avoided.
But many of these questions get tossed to the side, and instead we focus on materialistic "needs". Baby showers and gifts, cute outfits, the best stroller, new mama gadgets, and we lose the attention that should be given to preparing our body, mind, and spirit for the path of motherhood/fatherhood. I have taken it upon myself to dive a little deeper. I have little knowledge or wisdom from others on the experience of becoming a mother that supports all the aspects of the real needs in preparing for birth, but I am digging deep within. I am observing emotions, fears, and actions and looking at the web of connections it has to my upbringing, all the positive and negative. I am trying to eat balanced, and when I have a craving that isn't the best, I at least try to fulfill it with the "healthy" version (chocolate, such a craving, but there are Gluten & Dairy Free Flax Brownie Muffins - Flax4Life brand which at least have Flax, Iron, Calcium and Fiber in them...). I have been going for self care at least once per week since March (third trimester) which includes massage, acupuncture, yoga, and chiropractic care. This is a huge help and all mamas need to find a way to make this happen once per week to help stay balanced. I have been practicing a few minutes here and there of breath work, thanks to yoga and other wisdom that has found me, the breathing will be essential not only for birthing but also for parenting. I talk about my emotions rather than avoid them, and release them as necessary. I read more, write more, set priorities so that my to do list is slowly taken care of and nothing seems overwhelming in one day. I clean a little bit at a time rather than expect to clean the whole house in one day. I look at where I may have stress and I find solutions to help eliminate it. For example, our puppy caused me some stress and I saw a friend selling a dog crate. I knew this would help me train her, and not ever have to come home to any kind of unexpected mess in the house (chewing or bathroom mess). I didn't want to spend the money, but I knew it would be so worth removing the stress from daily life. And it has been worth more than the dollar amount. It's funny how often we try to use money as an excuse on why we shouldn't do something that is good for us. Yet we can spend the money on things that are definitely not good for us without blinking an eye... Today and the past three days I have been extremely tired...so I am taking naps, breathing, coloring, and enjoying these last few weeks feeling a baby grow inside of me. I am asking for help when needed and minimizing any material "needs" to be sure my physical and emotional needs are met. I am connecting with Leo to strengthen our bond before birth. I am asking for help with the Meal Train and hope to get some meals provided for us after birth. I am preparing freezer meals as well to ease the first week or two after the baby is here. I am receiving healing sessions tomorrow and Monday. I am learning how to ask Leo for help without ordering him to do something in my set time frame. I am embracing the sunshine and extra moments laying in bed. I am envisioning the positive moments of birthing, the first view of the baby, the first noise he makes, and the first kiss Leo gives me with his son in my arms. So if you are pregnant or know someone who is, I encourage you to really look at some of the above questions and dive into the depths of your soul. No more superficial pregnancy conversations. Truly how are you doing? What do you need? How can you help yourself? How can you ask for real help? Blessings <3 Funny story.... my mother went to an Easter party for the community in my home town. The kids all get special Easter "things" and the Easter Bunny says hi to all the kids. There's a DJ and the kids get to dance and enjoy the festivities. Something similar happens at Christmas with Santa. But what do you do when the Easter Bunny trips and falls on his way back up on stage, his head rolls off, and yes my mother had to help him get his head back on. Now this, as an adult, is a hilarious site I imagine. One that you would see on America's Funniest Home Videos. Kids are shocked and confused and adults hold back their laughter at the ridiculous scene.
But after laughing for minutes when I was told the story over the phone, I realized that we feed our children so many false truths. The fairytales are meant to add joy and excitement to the year, yet when they find out the truth, there is a sense of confusion. Children feel let down and confused when they realize that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy were all made up. And if those characters were made up, then what about God, Jah, the Divine Creator, or any of the other names you may label that which is greater than you? What are kids supposed to think or believe when three of their favorite imaginary idols are found out to be false? Will they then question if what you have taught them about this invisible God is real? I find this such a dilemma as a new parent. What will we teach our children? How will we allow them to enjoy the child ways of fantasizing about these imaginary idols, yet also get them to believe and be in tune with Source, the Creator? Neither Leo nor I want to lie to our children, yet we also don't want them to feel left out of the celebrations during the holidays. And then there's the fairy realm, dragons, vampires and other myths or folklore or realities that exist. We want are children to be imaginative and curious, creative and faithful, questioning and believing in a greater divine nature...but how do we establish that within them? And do so without confusion or doubt because they are fed lies about fake bunnies and gift bearing old men in suits with flying reindeer. One option is to choose is what the majority does, tell the lie and hope our children spend many years believing it. Then the day they start to question it, find a way to tell them the truth and that it is all made up. But that they have to keep pretending so all the other children keep believing. And they also will be able to continue to receive gifts if they keep pretending. The other option is to tell them more of the truth. Santa and the Easter Bunny were created to engage children and bring them baskets full of candy or gifts...but this isn't even the truth. Easter itself has many myths as to where it originated. It's meant to be a Christian holiday celebrating the resurrection of Christ, yet others believe it originally began as a pagan holiday which leads to the connection to the eggs and bunny. Regardless, the Easter Bunny himself is not real. But other children believe he is real, so be sure not to tell any of your friends and you need to let them continue to believe in him. But really our Creator is real, we promise, even though that's the one you can't see, it's the one we promise we believe in. Really? Those are the two options? One is telling a lie, and the other is telling the truth which could make our child feel "smarter", "better than others", "left out" of the fantasy, and so many other emotions. Do we trust that our little boy would be able to keep the "secret" to himself to honor the lies of the other parents? Would he be mad at us for not giving him the opportunity to believe in all the folklore? Would he upset other parents for telling their children the truth? These are some random thoughts and questions and the reality is that all parents choose different paths. We are open to hear what you have done or would like to do with your kiddos around these thoughts. We know there is not only one right way, and when the time comes, we hope to know what is best for our family. A Babymoon is defined as a period of time following the birth of a baby during which the new parents can focus on establishing a bond with their child. This is seen as a very crucial time period for a family to establish itself as a whole. The mother and father take the first six weeks or so to bond with the baby and form their foundation as a family. Mama gets to find a good routine for nursing, dad gets to finally feel his baby moving around like mama has for months, the parents get to stare and and embrace feeling enamored with their little creation.
But this can also be a time of little sleep, feelings of responsibility like never before, figuring out why the baby is crying and how to meet it's needs, and all the new emotions that go with becoming parents. Then there are meals that need cooked, dishes and laundry that need washed, pets that need taken care of, bills that need paid, visitors stopping by, and the much needed physical and emotional recovery from labor. This is why a Babymoon in many cultures, tribes, and communities is supported when a group of family members and friends organize together to help the parents as they transition into building their family with the newborn. "The Chinese traditionally adhere to 30 days of restful confinement—another week for a C-section—during which time moms are meant to consume lactation-inducing soups and herbal tonics and abstain from sex and cold water. In Mexico, the ritualized interlude, or the cuarentena, goes for 40 days, or long enough for the womb to return to its place. Balinese women are not allowed to enter the kitchen until the baby’s cord stump has fallen. Dutch maternity nurses make postpartum visits every day for the eight days after childbirth, and in France, as elsewhere, new moms spend nearly a week in hospital." www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/08/15/america-s-postpartum-practices.html When a mother has the support she needs to recover from labor and step into parenthood, she is less likely to get postpartum hormonal imbalances. The mother (and father) get to rest appropriately when they allow the world outside to continue to spin as they hide away in their home bonding with their newborn. The physical and emotional needs of the new parents are allowed to be supported without feeling like there is a to do list of chores or work responsibilities. The only responsibility of the family is to connect, share love, sleep, eat, and BE in the moment. And when this time is given without any expectations to be hosts, or go back to work, or keep a clean house, then the foundation of the family begins strong and balanced. There will be plenty of days to check emails, scroll Facebook, clean the house, run errands, and catch up with friends. But the opportunity to bond with a newborn will come and go very quickly, and those first few days and weeks can not be given a second chance. Some examples of things close family and friends may do to help the transition are: -Cook Meals or organize a Meal Train schedule -Do laundry -Take other children to school/play dates -Take pets for walks -Watch the baby so the parents can shower and enjoy a meal or a walk outside for 15 minutes without worrying about the baby -Help with breastfeeding advice -Schedule visitors for the family so they don't get overwhelmed with people constantly coming by -Pamper the mama with tea, essential oils, massage, and reading material -Prepare a bath for the parents -Sweep/dust/clean counters -Grocery shopping During the Babymoon, it's best if the parents allow themselves to stay at home for especially the first few days, but suggestively the first few weeks, to bond as a family. Parents can give themselves permission to embrace this time before and after birth, and allow themselves the following: -Lay in bed all day gazing at the baby and learning it's cues -Watch movies or read -Say 'No' to visitors, but kindly accept if they want to drop off a meal as long as they don't expect to be able to stay more than ten minutes -Let others cook meals or order take out/delivery for nourishment -Allow close family or friends to watch the baby so mama and daddy can shower together or take a quick walk -Embrace massages, tea being made, or other self care presented by close friends -Sleep when baby sleeps, even during the day! Do not feel like you have to "get things done" around the house when baby sleeps. Use this time to rest. -Make minimal (or NO) commitments to the outside world, and assume that you need at least a month after due date to be at home. -Prepare freezer meals in advance before birth so you can easily get nourishment after birth with minimal energy needed to cook -Lots of Skin to Skin Contact with baby, especially the first 3-7 days. This is great for dads too! -If people ask how they can help, give them very specific tasks (pick up dinner, go to grocery store, take other children to school, walk the dog, etc) -Encourage your partner to take as much time off work as possible the first few weeks. -Forget the messy house, it can and will be clean another day! But not this month. ;) -Love on your partner. Say "I love you", "You are a great mom/dad", "I am having so much fun having you next to me for this journey". Remember what got you to this moment, as it was the love you shared that helped you become parents! And go easy on one another, as both are experiencing new emotions and both need unconditional love and support. -Enjoy each moment!! Consider the Babymoon as an investment into your relationship with your baby and your family. If you invest just a few days (or weeks if you truly have the ability to do so), then you will receive back that much more of a connection as a family unit, a boost of energy from allowing yourself to heal, a balance of emotions by embracing the new moments as they come, and an abundance of love lifting you up as you continue to grow together. While this will be our first time experiencing a Babymoon, we are hoping to embrace as much of these ideas as possible. We are blessed that Leo will be able to do some work from home, and also get some time off work. We hope to find a balance and I personally will be laying low through at least June 2nd (3 weeks after birth). I do have a few fun workshops and concerts I hope to attend June 2nd-6th but I am open to staying home if I still need more time with the baby. I have no real commitments until mid July and I am embracing an empty calendar until then. The one thing that has been difficult for me to acknowledge is that I don't have much of a community here in our new living situation. I have family members in Pennsylvania who would love to help us but they live across the country. My mother and father will be visiting soon after the baby arrives for a week and that will be nice. But otherwise, I feel like we don't have a ton of friends/family who are able to help us with tasks to encourage us to stay hibernated with our newborn. We have come across a website for setting up a Meal Train and decided to sign up for it. This allows a few friends here and even the ones far away to help us with meals. This way anyone who lives out of town and wants to help us get a meal from a local restaurant, can sign up to provide for us since they can't make us a meal and deliver it personally. I will share the link below for our Meal Train and if you have never used it, I highly suggest checking it out! It's great for new families, but also if someone is injured or sick, or in need of assistance with meals for any of life circumstances. We would love to hear your comments on a Babymoon, what you did or didn't do, or what you would like to do with your next child. Feel free to comment below and join in the conversation! Here is the Link to Our Meal Train site: www.mealtrain.com/trains/gq473l So much has evolved in our lives the past few weeks, and I found myself driving home from an acupuncture session so grateful for all that has unfolded for us. We moved to Northern California with one friend living here, and no family. No jobs, No financial security. No answers to all the questions that run through your head when you become a new parent. The only thing we had was a house waiting for us to rent, but even that wasn't a guarantee because we weren't sure how we were going to pay for it. We left the road of traveling to nest, and we both knew that it wouldn't be easy. There's something special about going to bed at night in a new location, not really seeing where you are, and waking up the next day to the beauty that engulfs you. Or hopping into the car without an exact destination, meeting so many angels along the way who give you experiences that could never have been set or written into a daily planner. The unknown, for us, was a safety net, and when we didn't know what we were doing, where we were going, or how we were paying for meals, it always worked out because we had complete trust in the divinity that would guide us. You really learn to listen to your heart and soul, let the mind and all it's fear step aside and take the day (or week or month) off. But this move to nest brought in a new unknown feeling. We got through finding a job for Leo. In fact, he got offered three jobs before he finally ended up in his dream job. The first job he passed on and then worked a bit in solar energy. But the long days, working out of town, and spending 25 hours in the car not getting paid each week was not ideal for us starting our family. He learned a lot, worked with an amazing crew, and was grateful for the experience. But when work slowed down with solar energy, Leo got offered social media for a local music festival, California World Fest. Less than a week after beginning part time contracting work from home with them, a local venue The Center for the Arts had a position open up that he applied for. The Center for the Arts is a non-profit that hosts World Fest each summer. Leo has been wanting to work for a non-profit, specifically one that works in the arts, for years. He has been doing lots of networking and helping organize small events and gatherings in his travels. He actually walked into the Center for the Arts in January with his resume and proposed his vision on how he could help them. It didn't seem like it was going to happen for a long time, especially with a non-profit with very limited employment opportunities, but it happened! Just a few weeks ago Leo began working there, a 9-5 job, which neither of us ever imagined him doing again. Turns out, it's perfect for him and us in this very moment in time. He is bringing a new energy, new ideas, new vision to the team to help create an art center that encompasses all of the arts and the variety of ages and preferences within the community. I am so proud of him, yet again, as he chased his dream and got it. It's hard work, daily meetings and web design, with a nonstop eight hours in an office, but it's building something for the locals and even more important, the children. He is modeling to our baby boy how to find a passion and create with it. In addition to Leo getting a new job, we got a new puppy. Everyone says I am crazy getting a puppy right before a baby. And I understand why. She takes patience, commitment, time, and love. But all of it is really preparing us for the baby. I have had my moments of feeling like I took on a dog at the wrong time and questioned why we did this. But then she cuddles in and shows how much she loves us and I know we were supposed to bring her to our home. So new job, new puppy, new routines. And here I am, getting fully into nesting mode. I have organized all of the baby clothing and gear we have, and am waiting another week or two to wash it. This was at the advice of the midwives who told me if I wash it too soon, I will just rewash it again as the baby's arrival gets closer. So I resisted washing everything and will wait until week 36 or 37 to do so. We are at week 34+ right now. I have been hearing so many stories of women delivering at week 37 in the past month. So I am getting as much done as possible now, in hopes that whenever he chooses to come, I will feel "ready". Yes, I know, you are never "ready" for what's about to happen. But, I am doing things like registering my car, new Cali driver's license, organizing baby gear, cleaning up the house, paying off bills, and self care. Oh the self care! I have been treating myself to Acupuncture, Yoga, Chiropractic Care, and Massages. I try to do at least one per week. Financially it's not the best time to have a routine like this, but I deserve it and so does the baby! It's amazing how much of a difference it has made the past month. And I truly feel great. This is another thing I found myself grateful for this morning. I feel AMAZING. Yes, I have back pain. Yes, my fingers and arms fall asleep or go numb, Yes, I toss and turn more at night. Yes, I feel the need to take a few minutes to nap. BUT truly I feel incredible. I am enjoying being pregnant. I have so often seen women who hate pregnancy. And I have also been around women who never complained during pregnancy. And I find myself in both, I express a discomfort if I feel it, but then it seems to go away. I embrace having energy and feeling good. I am just so happy to be able to feel a healthy, little baby growing and moving inside of me. The gift of life is so precious and I am embracing every moment of this pregnancy. Leo said to me a few weeks ago, "You are going to miss this aren't you?". And I absolutely will miss this. I enjoy my growing belly and clothes that no longer cover all of me. I enjoy the movements in the middle of the night, even if it wakes me up. I love walking around town knowing that there is a special, unique little human hiding out for a few more weeks inside of my womb, safe from all the craziness that exists outside his safety bubble. Here I am, Week 34, the path of the unknown sits before me. This is different than the road of the wanderer. This is inside four walls, with bills and a partner with a 9-5. This is some daily routine and sleep schedule. Yet, with the schedule, the unknown feels even stronger. We are getting closer to being parents to a newborn. And with that, there is nothing known. Each child is different. Each moment, if filled with presence, will bring great lessons. So we step forward, each day, with all that is put before us. A different path than we were used to. One of existing within a society that we tried to run from. But in the end, we know, we are here to be the change. To live in our passions and do so with our family. To help the smaller community until it is time for us to step out into the larger world again with our baby. It's the path of least resistance as we settle into a bed, a kitchen, a bathroom, a deck, a backyard, internet, comforts, and schedules. But in between all of those, lies a growing family. A love leading the way. A life of purpose to build together dreams we envision. And with our roots nested in, we can help shift into the consciousness that flows from our hearts and fills every vein. The path unknown, the path less traveled, one of trust and patience, love and balance, beds and carseats. The path of a family walking their truth in a society that doesn't always make sense. And with each step we take, the more wisdom we gain to share with the next generation. |
Birthing RealityA journey into motherhood, shifting consciousness, exploring life partnership, and welcoming in the new. Archives
February 2018
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