Leo and I always envisioned parenting our children in a community setting. One with close friends being role models for the children and lending a hand to the parents, whether it be with dinner, discipline, or diapers. When we decided to move to Northern California, I was a little concerned because we only really had one close friend here, and both of our families were a half days flight away. But somehow we have managed to have a few more uncles living on property with us to help out with beginning a community lifestyle.
Two of Leo's best friends have moved onto the property with us. We have our house for our family, while two other men live steps away from our house. Ryan lives in the studio next to the house and is one of Leo's closest friends. They grew up in Hawaii together, moved to California when they were in their early twenties, and spent a few years on and off traveling the country together. In fact, the night I met Leo, Ryan was by his side and for the first four months of our relationship Ryan was traveling with us. Woody is Leo's other friend who settled here with us. He intended to visit, as he lives out of his van and moves around when he feels called. But something about this space offered him grounding and he decided to stay during this important time in our lives. So community parenting has begun. Our son will not only have an amazing dad as a role model and caretaker, but he will have two awesome uncles helping him grow up as well. No one knows how long we will all remain on property, but I am so excited that our son gets to spend even his first few weeks or months surrounded by so many wonderful men. I think there is something so powerful in having multiple positive role models for children in their immediate surroundings. If you look at all the relationships you have in an adult life (friends, parents, partners, coworkers, mentors), none of them are the same. Some people give you space to heal, some people give you a place to express your authentic self, others help you express creatively, another person may encourage you in your career or passion, some help you learn to communicate, others encourage your wellness routines, and some people in your life fill you with joy and balance. But no relationship is the same. So it makes sense that raising our children in more of a community setting would help them develop into a balanced, fully supported individual. I came across this study which supports all my inner feelings. It states: "This new research links certain early, nurturing parenting practices -- the kind common in foraging hunter-gatherer societies -- to specific, healthy emotional outcomes in adulthood, and has many experts rethinking some of our modern, cultural child-rearing "norms." "Breast-feeding infants, responsiveness to crying, almost constant touch and having multiple adult caregivers are some of the nurturing ancestral parenting practices that are shown to positively impact the developing brain, which not only shapes personality, but also helps physical health and moral development," says Narvaez. Studies show that responding to a baby's needs (not letting a baby "cry it out") has been shown to influence the development of conscience; positive touch affects stress reactivity, impulse control and empathy; free play in nature influences social capacities and aggression; and a set of supportive caregivers (beyond the mother alone) predicts IQ and ego resilience as well as empathy." Find the article here: www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130107110538.htm Our modern life style, which directly effects our parenting style, has seemed to put a damper not only on our own individual happiness but also the development of our children. We live in a society where we feel so connected due to the internet and social media, yet at the real depths of it, we are more disconnected than ever. We struggle with our emotions, we find security in posting "happy" photos on Facebook, we fill ourselves and our surroundings with "things", we run from true happiness, and at the end of each stressful, schedule filled day we are still seeking something unreachable. And then we become parents and grandparents and try to raise our children around our busy life. Leo and I wanted the opposite of this. We wanted to have our own lives filled with our passions, enjoy the careers we use to help us thrive in a society based around money, and have lots of family time to enjoy nature, traveling, and creating. We envisioned having multiple role models around our children to play with them, encourage them, and support them through their young lives. And we are so happy that unexpectedly we have two amazing men living steps away from our house, sharing our acre yard, creating a space that will only encourage a young baby boy to become a man full of excitement, passion, creativity and gentleness. I am surrounded by three men who are truly helping change what the idea of the masculine is, three men who honor women and who strive towards balanced living. Having extra hands available also helps with things such as dinner, dishes, garbage, fire wood, yard work, holding the baby when I need a shower or better yet, a nap! Too many babies now spend more time in car seats, swings, strollers, and cribs than they do in the arms of loved ones. I want my baby to have as much skin to skin contact with me and Leo as possible, and having a few extra hands around will allow us to truly spend our moments in bed bonding with our newborn. "Just a few months ago, a study came out showing that early skin-to-skin contact leads to improved neurodevelopment, higher IQ, and lower rates of aggression. Skin-to-skin contact has also been shown to increase breastfeeding success, and can even make certain medical procedures less painful for infants." https://www.babble.com/parenting/cuddling-babies-study-benefits-touch/ One day, we hope to be living with even more intentional people helping us raise our family. We are excited for when that day comes, but for now, we are so grateful for having a few more adults living with us during such an important time in our life.
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Most of us are familiar with cutting the cord. Usually within 15-20 seconds of being birthed, the father or other family member gets to cut the umbilical cord that attaches the baby to the placenta, which is it's source of blood and life from the mother. This leads all of us to have a belly button, the one significant reminder that we were once physically attached to our mothers, thus leading to an emotional attachment on levels many people don't ever think about or look at in depth. But also, this detaches babies from a vital amount of nutrients from the placenta that can have long term effects.
The placenta is what allows the fetus to intake oxygen and blood. When a baby is delivered, the lungs take over breathing, but if the cord is cut too early, there's less oxygen support during the first moments of breathing outside the womb. The placenta also supplies vital nutrients and blood, and many researchers believe that if the baby remains attached to the placenta for three minutes, there is a significant decrease in anemia rates and also a stronger brain development. Before the 1960's, most births allowed the cord to remain attached for at least five minutes. Thinking that immediate cutting of the cord could possibly avoid postpartum maternal hemorrhage, doctors began to cut the cord almost immediately after birth. Research later determined this had no effect on hemorrhaging, but the practice continued. Since it is believed that delayed cord clamping can increase blood volume in the newborn by 25-40%, increase iron levels (reducing risk of anemia), contribute to higher birth weight (due to higher blood volume), lead to an increase in stem cells, and allow more access to oxygen during baby's first breaths, I see no reason why anyone would choose to cut the cord immediately after birth, unless there was an emergency. In fact, there are also studies that show "A couple of extra minutes attached to the umbilical cord at birth may translate into a small boost in neurodevelopment several years later . . . Children whose cords were cut more than three minutes after birth had slightly higher social skills and fine motor skills than those whose cords were cut within 10 seconds." www.mommypotamus.com/benefits-of-delayed-cord-clamping/ The delayed cord clamping only needs to be 2-5 minutes post delivery of the baby to have great results. Some mothers may choose to allow this to be a longer process, but the most benefits are received in five minutes. We are therefore choosing the delayed cord clamping, and even letting it happen past five minutes if the placenta is inside of me for longer. Our midwives will allow the baby to remain attached until after the placenta is delivered. The umbilical cord will continue to pulse blood and nutrients into the baby and once the cord stops pulsing and becomes harder, then we will clamp and cut the cord. This will allow for the baby to also connect to me and Leo while still feeling fully connected to the placenta. There will be no abrupt disconnection from me, and lots of time for the baby to receive as much as possible from the placenta. Then one of our midwives will take home the placenta and return within a few days with capsules for me to ingest! (More on placenta encapsulation in a future blog.) *********************************************************************************** Check out this awesome video of a newborn still attached to it's placenta: www.facebook.com/intactbirth/videos/1473492089330435/?hc_ref=PAGES_TIMELINE 8 reasons not to cut the umbilical cord: www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/reasons-not-to-cut-your-babys-umbilical-cord/ More articles on cord clamping: www.onetoonemidwives.org/FAQRetrieve.aspx?ID=50480 www.cbsnews.com/news/dont-cut-umbilical-cord-too-fast-doctors-say-pause-benefits-newborns/ Once we found out we were having a boy, I immediately knew that I had to bring up the topic of circumcision to Leo. Being raised in America, many people here often don't even think of it as an option, it's just something that is "normal" and everyone does. I have heard friends and family members even say that it's something they have done because they don't want their boy to feel left out in a locker room when they are in school. Or that it helps with infection rates. And many other reasons why they have chosen to remove a part of their son, within a day of him being born. Even Leo is circumcised, so it wasn't something he thought about until I brought it to his awareness that we would need to make the decision on what to do. I have always felt deep down that it would be a horrible thing, injuring my baby after the trauma of birth and then tie him down and cut off part of his penis. It was put there for a reason, wasn't it?
Originally circumcisions began as a religious act, but now most people just do it without thinking about the reasons. Although, some health insurance companies recently have stopped paying for it in America. Leading to a reduced rate of circumcision because of finances. Some people argue claims that newborns who are not circumcised have a higher UTI rate. In my research it appears that this is often because parents forcefully retract the foreskin before it naturally does on it's own, in order to clean it. With proper education and cleaning, would the UTI rates be reduced? I actually investigated a little further and found this 8 year study report finding; "Animal experiments reveal that in the presence of hydrogen peroxide and halide or pseudohalides, soluble peroxidase in the prepuce has an antimicrobial activity.23 Plasma cells in the mucosal lining of the bovine prepuce secrete immunoglobulin under the epidermis into the preputial cavity. In response to pathogenic bacterial infection, preputial plasma cells increase.24 Antibodies in breast milk are ingested, then excreted in the urine where they prevent Escherichia coli from adhering to the urinary tract and inner lining of the prepuce25 An 8 year prospective study that controlled for genitourinary abnormalities found no difference in the rate of upper urinary tract infections between circumcised and intact boys.26 ". And there is this quote as well; "The circumcised penis is more prone to infection in the first years of life than the intact penis.28-30". I don't want to yet think about my little baby boy's sexual activity. But it's a reality of his life, after all it's how he came to be. So as I researched I found there are many differences during sexual intercourse as well for an intact penis. "One function of the prepuce is to facilitate smooth, gentle movement between the mucosal surface of the two partners during intercourse. The prepuce enables the penis to slip in and out of the vagina non-abrasively inside its own sheath of self-lubricating, movable skin. The female is thus stimulated by moving pressure rather than by friction only, as when the male's prepuce is missing." Most importantly for me, I feel that injuring my child on purpose just after he has come out the womb, could potentially cause much trauma. I found this to confirm my inner guidance; "Changes in infant-maternal interaction have been observed after circumcision, including disrupted feeding and weaker attachment between the infant and mother.[4,5] The American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force on Circumcision (1989) noted behavioral changes resulting from circumcision in their report.[6] The behavior of nearly 90 percent of circumcised infants has been found to be significantly changed after the circumcision.[7] Differences in sleep patterns and more irritability – both signs of stress – have been observed among circumcised infants [8,9,10]. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a normal response to an event in which a person’s physical integrity has been threatened or violated. Forced genital cutting is a direct experience of sexual violence, so it fulfills the criteria as a psychogenic cause for PTSD.[11] Taddio et al. studied the behavior of babies at first vaccination. They found that circumcised boys have a much stronger reaction to the pain of vaccination than do girls and intact (non-circumcised) boys, which the authors suggested is an “infant analogue” of PTSD.[12] Other authors also have reported PTSD in circumcised males.[13] Rhinehart reported on four cases of PTSD connected with neonatal circumcision in middle-aged men that he encountered in his psychiatric practice.[14] Ramos and Boyle reported PTSD in 70 percent of Filipino boys who experienced ritual circumcision and 51 percent of Filipino boys who experienced medical circumcision.[15] Cansever tested young boys before and after ritual circumcision and reported that these children had a tendency to seek safety afterwards through emotional withdrawal.[16] Based on relevant literature, clinical experience, and statements from circumcised men, Goldman suggests that reduced emotional expression is the primary potential long-term psychological effect of circumcision.[17] A subsequent study found that circumcised men had significantly increased alexithymia (difficulty identifying and expressing feelings) compared to intact men.[18] www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/for-professionals/psychological-impact/ There is even more information on the trauma if you click on the link above to read more. Overall, I feel that if my son is to have his penis circumcised, then he should be the one that chooses the removal of the foreskin. He can have it surgically removed when he is old enough to make a conscious decision. But I can not force him to have a part of his body removed when there is no real reason to have it removed, based on my opinion formed after some research. To me, it seems like we have been designed pretty perfectly for all functions. So why try to step in and play God, yet again, and remove a part of the human body that was put there for a reason? I have attached some links below if you are interested in reading into more details on the information I found. This truly is a parent's choice, and I do not claim that mine is the best. But my choice is based on what my inner guidance as a mother is telling me to do. And it really helps that Leo and our midwives all agree on the decision. ******************************************************************************************************** Quotes from a study were found here: www.cirp.org/library/disease/STD/fleiss3/ Care of an uncircumcised penis: www.yourwholebaby.org/basic-intact-care/ www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/for-professionals/care-of-the-intact-penis/ www.cirp.org/library/normal/aap/ Here is an article I first read when thinking about the decision: http://www.greenmedinfo.com/blog/foreskin-why-it-such-secret-north-america There is a film being released this summer on American Circumcision. Check out a sneak peak here: http://circumcisionmovie.com/trailers/ A Birth Plan is essentially a written out plan for your birthing team, to let them know your preferences for managing pain, labor/delivery plans, and options you are open to as labor progresses. This could be a good idea if you are birthing in a hospital so that your health team has a little memory refresher of what your vision is for your labor. But in reality, we live in a society that tries to have most labors go in similar ways. Before a natural labor starts, they offer an IV to induce you. Once a woman is feeling a lot of pain, they offer an epidural. If your labor is progressing slowly, they recommend a C-section. Or they even schedule your C-section weeks to months in advance. I have personal opinions about this way of doing things... First, how can you possibly know that a baby would be at the perfect time to be delivered weeks in advance? We again are trying to play God with the birthing process.
Recently, "Researchers have identified two proteins in a fetus' lungs responsible for initiating the labor process, providing potential new targets for preventing preterm birth. They discovered that the proteins SRC-1 and SRC-2 activate genes inside the fetus' lungs near full term, leading to an inflammatory response in the mother's uterus that initiates labor." (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/06/150622162023.htm) This means that the baby's lungs determine the start of labor! Once the lungs are fully developed and able to fully fill up with oxygen outside the womb, they release proteins that tell the mother's body to release Oxytocin, which starts the contractions and begins labor. All of the preplanned inductions and C-sections have the possibility of removing a baby from the womb before it is fully able to maximize it's breathing capabilities outside the uterus. Yes there are emergencies when a woman has high blood pressure or the baby truly becomes distressed which makes a C-section a good option. But, with how much money doctors can make from C-sections, and the fact that C-sections started out only being used for truly an emergency, it makes me question why our country has so many prescheduled operations. In the United States, we have a 32% C-section rate. Other developed nations in northern Europe have less than 15%. "In the last 15 years, the rate of C-section has gone up by 50 percent in the United States. According to Jeffrey Ecker, chairman of the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists’ committee on obstetric practice, that rise “has not been paralleled by any important fall in rates of things like cerebral palsy” — in other words, outcomes that C-sections are often performed to prevent.C-sections themselves pose some risks to babies, and can create serious complications for mothers, such as hemorrhage, infection and post-partum depression. Having a first baby by C-section leaves a woman with a 90 percent chance that subsequent births will be by C-section as well. And with each C-section, the risk of serious complications rises." https://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/01/19/arsdarian-cutting-the-number-of-c-section-births/?_r=0 As women, we are designed to birth a child through the cervix and out our vagina. Yes, there may be intense pain experienced, but what many women don't know is that there is a high percentage of women who actually have sensations that are orgasmic in nature during the birthing process. Why don't we ever talk about the joy and love that is felt when Oxytocin is released through your body to enhance contractions and get the baby out? The "love" chemical pulses through our body when the baby's lungs are able to inhale oxygen at an optimal level. This initiates the contractions, but also sends a euphoria of "love" through the woman, hence the immediate feeling of being totally enamored with your baby the second it is born. Those feelings are bypassed when a woman is cut open and the baby taken out by the doctor via C-section. Now I want to reiterate, I am not against a C-section. If there truly is an emergency and the surgery would save the mother and/or baby's life, then absolutely that should be the route taken. But as a whole, here in America we are too rushed in life to give our baby and our bodies that time they need to fully birth a child. There are many things that can contribute to a slow birth. We have bright lights, less than ideal forced birthing positions, and medical personnel who have become disconnected with the natural flow of life, as they instead pay attention to a doctor's shift end time and not as much on the baby's natural birthing process. In fact, the natural birthing process can be extremely slowed down from a variety of factors, including who is present in the room and how comfortable the laboring mother feels with these persons. I am reading Ina May's book Guide to Childbirth, which is teaching me a lot about the natural birthing process. Here are three quotes from the book that I find to be important to consider when going into birth....Your body is capable when given the appropriate time and supported environment and there is a physiological process that takes place during labor, in which we, as the laboring mother, must feel completely comfortable with our surroundings and those in our presence that can help stimulate or halt progression of labor. "Contrary to myth, for instance, intrinsic physical characteristics only rarely interfere with the capacity to give birth. In other words, your pelvis is probably big enough for vaginal birth. Nearly every woman's is. Mental attitudes and emotions, on the other hand, interfere with the ability to give birth far more than is generally understood." ****************************************************************************************************** "I was fascinated to learn that most doctors once knew that an unwelcome or upsetting presence could stall labor. They knew it the same way that farmers knew about the birthing behaviors of animals—it was common knowledge, accumulated through observation, that was passed down from one generation to another. But when the pool of home-birth knowledge dried up, knowledge that was once common became rare or even extinct. The fact is that most doctors are no longer in a good position to note that their own presence in the birth room or their hurried manner can often retard labor. We must remember that the mind/body phenomenon described in the nineteenth-century textbooks is no less true now than it was then. The problem is that doctors today often assume that something mysterious and unidentified has gone wrong with labor or that the woman's body is somehow 'inadequate'—what I call the 'woman's body as a lemon' assumption. For a variety of reasons, a lot of women have also come to believe that nature has made a serious mistake with their bodies. This belief has become so strong in many that they give in to pharmaceutical or surgical treatments when patience and recognition of the normality and harmlessness of the situation would make for better health for them and their babies and less surgery and technological intervention in birth. Most women need encouragement and companionship more than they need drugs. Remember this, for it is as true as true gets: Your body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female bodies have the same potential to give birth as well as aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit throughout your life so far, I recommend that you learn to think positively about your body." ****************************************************************************************************** "Michel Odent, the well-known French physician, has contributed greatly to our understanding of the physiology of birth by explaining the function of the human brain in labor and birth. He distinguishes between the neocortex—the newer, rational part of the brain, which plays a role in abstract thought—and the primitive brain, which governs instincts. The primitive brain, or brain stem, is also considered to be a gland that releases hormones. All female mammals, including humans, release a certain number of hormones such as oxytocin, endorphins, and prolactin in the process of giving birth. Stimulation of the neocortex, on the other hand, can actually interfere with the birth process by inhibiting the action of the primitive brain in hormone release." ****************************************************************************************************** In reading this book, I have come to realize how much our society programs women to believe that all labor is excruciatingly painful, that we need drugs to get through it, that we should opt for surgery in non-emergency situations, and that it's a horrible process to have to go through labor. Now, I am not saying it's easy, but I would like to continue to work on all the limiting beliefs that have been engrained in my mind about the birthing process. I would like to believe that all the challenging work of pushing out a baby is totally worth it. I will have spent nine months growing a little human inside of my body, and when the day is finally here to push him out, I want to feel ready, willing, and able to do the work. All great things in life take effort. Great relationships, great careers, great physical/mental/emotional stability all takes effort. It's going to be a choice on how I go into the birthing process. And since I have never experienced it before and since I want to be open to allowing the baby to come out in divine timing, I have found that my "Birth Plan" is pretty simple. My Birth Plan: I Surrender. I have very select people allowed in my space, and no one unexpected will enter the room. I have freedom to move my body and change positions as much as it feels natural to do, including (but not limited to) being in water, standing, squatting, being on hands and knees, sitting, and lying as my internal wisdom guides me. I have gentle music, or energizing music play as my body and mind needs. We allow the umbilical cord to remain attached to our baby for as long as possible before clamping, preferably at least thirty minutes (future blog post). We choose to not circumcise our baby boy (another future blog topic). We keep our baby in our sight at all times following the birth. We allow my body and the baby the time and space for the best birthing process possible. We are open to all advice the midwives have, and we trust in the process. This does Not mean we would not do anything surgically necessary if there is an emergency. We will allow for the process to happen. We will be patient and trust. We will keep a close monitor on my health and the baby's health and make any important decisions in the moment they are needed. We will birth our baby the way billions of women have birthed their children, with love and support, trust, and allowing the inner voice to guide us through the process. The big ol' baby registry....it's the one thing any soon to be mom's are aware they should sit down and make. Some women love it, they get to pick out all the things that society tells us we need in order to be a successful mom. Some women, don't know where to begin. And some women (I fall more into this category) like to pick the essentials, but also feel bad asking others to buy the items for us. And that is where baby showers come into play. The registry gives your guests an idea of what you need and makes it easy for them to help you as you move into motherhood.
My mother threw us a surprise shower back in December, which resulted in many gift cards since we were moving across the country and wouldn't have room for lots of gifts. This was a great idea and has allowed us to buy things as necessary during our slow prep for the baby. We have a few Babies-R-Us cards left, in which we plan to make a large purchase, such as a car seat, stroller, or rocking chair for the nursery. There are still a wide range of random items we need before May, and since we just moved to California, I don't anticipate a shower with friends, so I didn't think about making a registry. But a few family and friends from across the nation have asked us to share our registry. So here I sit, looking at all the remaining items I may, or may not, "need" to bring our baby into the world. I struggled with this concept....how much plastic can I avoid but still have all the essentials? What is essential for us during the first few months of raising a baby? What items could we buy reused and cheaper? What items would I feel good about having used with/on the baby? What is safe in our standards? What items have unnecessary chemicals that we can avoid using or find alternatives? What items do many moms buy or receive as gifts, but never actually use, so we can avoid them? Wow, so many questions! I did a little research and found these suggested "Must Haves" that seem relevant to our life: -Infant Car Seat X -Stroller (Best is infant car seat and stroller combo) X -Swaddle Blankets -Baby Wrap (for mama/dad to wear) X -CoSleeper (or Bassinet) with Sheets X -Nail Clippers X -Thermometer/Health Kit X -Nursing Pillow X -Onsies AND tshirts (t's are best first few days to let umbilical cord heal) X -Sock, Mittens, and Hats X -Infant bath tub (if you have a good sink, then you don't "need" this one!) -Baby towels/washcloth -Bibs/Burp Cloths X -Diapers (if using cloth, perhaps having a biodegradable pack for the first week) X -Diaper Cream -Wipes X -Diaper Bag X -Baby Monitor (questionable depending on size of house) X -Baby swing or bouncer....there are cheap ones and expensive ones....and I found one of each that seem to get great reviews and give parents some time with free arms... X -Amber teething necklace X -Teething toy---Click here for a natural rubber, highly rated one -Breast pump X -Bottles/Nipples X -Bottle Brush or Steam Cleaner *X is next to items we have at least one of* So there is the list that I now am attempting to fill. It's crazy how many "things" we suddenly need to bring a little human into the world. Imagine living centuries, decades, or even twenty years ago...I feel like so many items wouldn't even be on this list...But there they are, awaiting for us to go buy them. So needless-to-say...I reluctantly sat down over the past few days and finished a Registry...wishing we could live without so many items, yet accepting that there are so many helpful inventions out there that will make parenting just a tad bit easier. I shifted into gratefulness that I could sit on my couch and look at items that are recommended, consider our beliefs and possible parenting practices, and click on the items that others want to buy us. Really, how amazing is it that there is a vast community spread across the nation who want to help us step into parenthood. People sending us well wishes, getting excited to see our pictures of sonograms, feeling the joy of becoming Aunties and Uncles, and helping us celebrate this new path we are forging together. It's so comforting to think that we have so many family and friends that are going to be helping us with our journey. Whether it be words of support, helping cook us meals, watching the baby while we nap, calling and skyping with us to share in the excitement of each phase of new life, and even going so far as to want to help us purchase items from a registry. We are blessed. This union, and birthing of a new life and new reality has made me so aware of all the blessings we are surrounded in. So with all of that, I will share with you our registry. Thank you for requesting it. Thanks for your support. Thank you for reading this blog as we venture into unknown territory. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Thank you. Click here for Our very first Baby Registry |
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February 2018
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