I celebrate Mother's Day today as a new mom. Our sweet baby blessed us with an early entrance a week ago today, one week before our "due date". This has by far been the best week of my life. The gift of life is indescribable, and although I have heard it many times before, now I understand why they say you don't know love until you've had your own child. It's a love like no other and I am so thankful for this gift that has blessed us beyond our imagination. Truly our son is the image of perfection, inside and out and all around, he is perfect in our eyes. Last Friday I lost a part of my mucus plug, and by Saturday morning I lost the rest of it. I awoke and felt an urge to get the floors cleaned one more time, as I suspected this was the day our baby was coming. I didn't know how or why I felt it so strongly, but I did. So I got up to dry and wet sweep the floors and even got on my hands and knees for a final scrub down. We had planned to deliver at home, and I wanted all the surface areas to be options for me to deliver on. I also had Leo sweep the two carpeted areas as soon as he awoke. I think he felt like I was being bossy, but i just knew deep down the time was here. I Facetimed with my sister, niece, and parents as I layed on the couch. And soon after I spoke with them, I went into the kitchen to grab a snack. Just as I put the snack into my mouth I was overcome with emotions and found myself hiding out in the bathroom crying. This was rare for me, as my entire pregnancy was rather uneventful when it comes to extreme emotions. I had felt so balanced and only had a very few moments where tears came on strongly considering all the hormonal changes, I felt it was a very minimum. So I sat on the toilet crying my eyes out with the sudden onset of emotions that I wished my mother and sister were able to be there with me during this time in my life. I didn't realize I had so much stored emotions in me. In fact, I had done a few exercises the last few months to dig deep within to find any barriers hiding out that may delay or cause an unnecessarily long labor and to ensure I stepped fully into motherhood without any old baggage. Turns out I skipped out on this one...but after minutes of tears and releasing the emotions of sadness of not having any family nearby for support during and after labor, I felt so much better. Leo came to check on me and realized I was having a moment, and supported me through it. We then had a visit from our landlord and his family seconds later and soon after, I finally came back inside to relax. It was then that I knew the time was absolutely here. I started having real contractions, not Braxton Hicks. They were accompanied with some intensity and even strong enough urges that I considered it slightly painful. We began timing them because they seemed to show up pretty close together and we realized they were every 3-5 minutes for an average of 45 seconds. The cue to call the midwives is every five minutes, lasting for 60 seconds, consistent for an hour. The only inconsistency I was having was when one would come in less than three minutes after the previous one and only last up to 20 seconds. Otherwise for an hour they averaged about every 4 minutes for 45 seconds. I decided it was time to actually call the midwives and see what they thought. One midwife was driving back from a home visit about an hour an a half away and would check in with us by 4:30pm. After making it to 4:30pm with the urges becoming stronger, I called the other midwife who I knew was home. She decided to call back in 45 minutes to see if there were any changes and when she called back the intensity was only getting stronger and I now had turned to a grounded exhale for each contraction to get through it. It sounded like an "OM" only I was saying "Ahhhhh" in a low deep tone for the 45 seconds every 3-4 minutes. The midwife then decided it was time to come set up and check me out. At this point the only person who knew I was starting labor was my sister who is three hours ahead in Pennsylvania.. Leo moved our bed and made it to prepare for birth, I got a crockpot with wash clothes started and made sure I ate and drank lots of water. I was excited and wished I could rest between urges, but they seemed to pick up so strongly the first hour that I didn't know if I could relax to sleep with them coming so frequently and strong. Looking back, I could have at least laid down and surrendered more into relaxation during the breaks in between to conserve my energy even more. I instead experimented with different poses and asked Leo for help in pushing on sacrum and other areas to help comfort me. I thought this would help when things got more intense, and it did, but I could have rested more until the time really came to use other positions. One midwife arrived just before 6pm and set up everything and checked me. I was only at 3 cm and feeling a bit sad about it because a few days prior to contractions I had been at 2 cm and had thought for sure I would be further. I was though 95% effaced. The midwife decided to go home and let Leo and I labor in our sacred space together, hoping our privacy would allow for things to speed up and move along. After an hour I told our friend Jewels that she was welcome to come over and help support. I thought this would allow Leo to take a break and for him to get help massaging and supporting me. Jewels arrived and soon a midwife called to check in. She decided that both her and the other midwife would come to our house. Once they arrived I found out I was only 4 cm. I had dilated one centimeter in the past few hours, which felt a bit discouraging for all the urges I had been going through every 3-5 minutes. I labored a few more hours and decided to get into the birthing tub, which was set up in our kitchen. By this time everyone was pretty tired, so the midwives and Jewels all rested on the couches and extra bed. This allowed me and Leo to have a very connecting moment, perhaps my favorite part of the entire labor other than pushing out our baby. We listened to The Beautiful Chorus for about an hour while I labored in the tub. I sang along with some of the songs and during "Please Prepare Me", which I had sung in the shower many mornings during my pregnancy, I was overcome with emotions. I surrendered in the water, sang with a quivering voice, and locked eyes with Leo. We both were filled with emotions as tears welled up in our eyes, and I knew this was one final moment we would share being so connected before our little one would consume our life. I adore this man that sat in front of me, supporting me through every second, loving every ounce of me, and I couldn't imagine life without him. Those minutes felt like an eternity as I basked in his love and support. This moment has no more words that can describe it, but I will forever remember that precious gift we shared in the darkness of the night, in our kitchen as I knelt in a tub and he sat outside as my rock. After a few more hours, the midwives suggested I try to rest in bed between contractions, so they gave me a tincture to relax me and perhaps even allow for me to sleep in the few minutes between each urge. I was surprised that I was actually able to go into a state of relaxation and even drift off for a few moments and conserve my energy. Then an hour later they offered me a tincture to try to speed things up and get my contractions to be more consistent and for my cervix to dilate more. I was excited to do this, and hoped it would mean the baby would be out soon. We tried the tincture which didn't change much. When they checked me again, I was still at 4 centimeters. At this point, the midwives didn't know what to do. I had been in labor for about 11 hours and nothing was changing. They entered our bedroom and sat with us, gently suggesting that the only option may be to go to the hospital to get Pitocin to speed up the labor, and even offer me an epidural which would allow me to rest until my body was ready to deliver a baby. My immediate thought was "NO!", but within seconds I remembered that I must surrender to whatever and however our baby would be delivered, as long as he was healthy. Just as I surrendered to their suggestion of going to the hospital, my inner voice shouted at me, "Your water hasn't broke yet! Have them break your water". So I asked the midwives if they could break my water. They looked at each other, slightly surprised, and said yes. See, little did I know, they had discussed breaking my water, but usually they won't do it until you are 8 centimeters, because at the chance you have to go to the hospital, there's a less likely chance of them forcing a cesarean if you are almost fully dilated. Once you get to the hospital you are on the clock, meaning they only let you labor for so long and if your water has already broke, you are given even less time to labor naturally. The midwives agreed to try to break my water, but that I had one hour to show some major change with stronger contractions or dilation, otherwise we would get in the car and head to the hospital. They gave Leo and I a few moments to think about it, and Leo absolutely wanted to stay at home. I knew that if they broke my water and we ended up at the hospital, my chance of being forced in a C-section was higher but I didn't discuss this with Leo, as I trusted my inner wisdom that had told me to ask them to break my water. When the midwives returned, we told them our decision, and they got the supplies they needed to break my water. Immediately I felt the warm liquid running out of me. Soon after I had to go the the restroom AGAIN (I was walking to the bathroom many times per hour which was good because it meant I was drinking plenty of water). I was sitting on the toilet feeling another urge come on, and waiting it out until it passed. Leo had accompanied me to the restroom, this time and every time, and was going to step away from the bathroom for a second, and I heard myself say with deep emotion, "Please don't leave me". As those words came out of my mouth, I realized they had came from a deeper place other than him just stepping out of the bathroom for a few seconds. I broke into tears and he stepped in front of me to support me. I looked up to his eyes and from the last ounce of fear left in me, I said, "Will you marry me? It doesn't have to be anytime soon, but one day?". Tears filled up our eyes, and he grasped my face in his hands and bent over and kissed me and said "Yes". Once again I sat on the toilet, about twelve hours after the first time earlier in the day, releasing any last fears that consumed me. I knew Leo meant what he said, and I felt a sense of love flood in and out of me. I finally released any last hidden fear of being a single parent. I knew Leo was committed to me and our child, but there was still a fear that hid out during pregnancy that I noticed anytime I saw a single mama. I got up from the toilet after the contraction and headed back to the bed. Within minutes, contractions felt slightly more intense. At this point, I was so tired that I couldn't tell if they picked up significantly in intensity, or if I was so tired that they seemed more intense because of my lack of energy. About an hour after they broke my water, one midwife checked me and said I was at 5 centimeters and she could stretch me to 6. I could barely even feel her and I told her to stretch me as much as she could because it did not hurt. About a half hour later they checked me again and I was up to 8-9 centimeters. Breaking my water was successful and the threat of the hospital no longer loomed over me. Within minutes I started to feel the urge to push. I began pushing through each urge, as I made my way through many positions. I was on my back, squatting on the floor, on my hands and knees in bed, and on my side. I pushed for over an hour when I began to sense some doubt in the midwives. For some reason the baby was not coming through my pubic bone. Turns out, most women have about a 90 degree angle for the baby to come through, but my pubic bone was only at about 75 degrees...this meant that our baby had to go deeper toward my tailbone in order to sweep down and come through. This took much longer than normal. The midwives took turns trying to help his head come out. They monitored his heart rate after most contractions. When his heart rate lowered, they would put an oxygen mask on me and rub his head with their finger, which raised his heart rate back up. After two hours, the midwives again threatened that if I didn't get him out within fifteen minutes, we would need to go to the hospital to see if a vacuum suction would be enough to get him out. I was determined that we had come this far and I was going to push harder than I thought I had the energy left to do. I got onto the floor to squat as Leo supported me from behind and I pushed forward into one midwife. The baby seemed to come down a little bit more and I got back into bed for the final pushes. I was exhausted and didn't know where I was going to muster up the energy to get him out. But I heard his heart rate slow down and I knew I must find it within me to do it. Just when I didn't think I could push any harder, a midwife said she needed the episiotomy scissors. Later I found out she did this to get me to push harder, and it worked. She didn't have to cut me, but all I knew was that I didn't want her to, and that I would push harder to avoid it. Our dog Kea, laid in bed with all of us, and helped break the intensity of the labor by snoring her little heart out. We all chuckled at how she could be passed out snoring at such an intense time. The next contraction came and Leo started pressing on my belly to help move the baby's body down when I was pushing. I also realized that the help of the midwife and our friend Jewels holding my feet helped, but if Leo could use his other hand to support my head and neck to help me curl up even further, then I would be able to focus on pulling my legs back and pushing. This team work was showing progress. I finally felt the little guy coming through. But then he would sneak back in as soon as I stopped pushing. When I heard them say he had lots of hair, I was determined it was my turn to see it. I pushed so hard and felt him stay there rather than hide back inside. One midwife said, in three more contractions we should have him out. And I replied "ONE MORE". I didn't have the energy for three more rounds of pushing, so I told myself this is it, last contraction. As the contraction came everyone got in position to support me and I counted to three in my head. On three I made myself push harder than ever.. Leo and everyone else started yelling "Push Baby, PUSH". And I pushed with all my might, finally feeling his head came out and then pushed the rest of his body out. He was immediately placed on my belly, crying his little lungs out. Those moments after his arrival have no words to describe them. I was in bliss, Leo was in tears, along with the other women sharing this magical transition with us. All I could do was stare at the little guy. He cried, we cried, and we snuggled our hearts out. Delivering our baby at home was so incredible. We got to move around, we had privacy with just the two of us, and then soon after birth, just the three of us. Our dog saw the magic, which has helped her adjust to not being the center of attention. I got to shower in my own bathroom and crawl back into bed with Leo and our baby to take a three hour nap after being served a home cooked breakfast. Leo and I awoke from our nap and spent a few hours admiring our little guy, while I breast fed from the comfort of our living room. Our friends picked up Thai food for us, and Leo surprised me with Sticky Rice and Mango as dessert, in celebration of our anniversary. Yes, our little love bug arrived the morning of our anniversary. Out of 365 days in the year, we now get to celebrate our union with our precious son. As a family, we all went back to bed and got a few hours of sleep, then I awoke for two hours to feed the our angel in the middle of the night, and we went back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. Our first day together was incredible and I can't imagine it going any other way. Our baby boy was born one week early on May 7th at 7:43 am. He was a tiny little guy measuring in at 17 3/4 inches long and 5 pounds 13 ounces. His name is Zennith Cannon Castrence. His middle name is inspired by the Cannonball River at Standing Rock, where he was conceived. He is perfection in our eyes and we continue to be amazed at the love that pours out when you have a child. Leo is an amazing father. He lets me sleep when I can, he works from home and from the office, makes dinner, and gushes over his son every second he is home. I try not to have expectations set on someone, but if I had any expectations of what Leo would be like as a father, he has far exceeded them. He is so incredible as both a father and a partner. I am blessed. These days have been the best of my life. I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be the mother of this little guy, and to do it with Leo by my side. We are blessed.
2 Comments
Donna Noel
5/24/2017 03:10:52 pm
Beautiful story ...Thank you for sharing 💓
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Helen Tennant
5/24/2017 06:20:29 pm
Wonderful Cassie . You have epitomised the strength and power of a labouring woman conquering physical and emotional pain through Internal strength and body awareness 😊😔😨😍
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