Dear Parents at the Beach today who were Trying their Best,
I am sorry I judged you during your entire two hours at the beach. I see you. I realize you are doing the best you can in this very moment in time. I saw the heartache of your four year old (at the most), and I couldn't help but wish he had parents who responded rather than reacted. I saw you arrive today as Military Daddy complained about the perfect spot that Mommy chose to take the kids that was safe for them to be in calm, flat waters. I saw how Daddy pushed Mommy, who turns out to be newly pregnant for the third time, into the water aggressively which she then asked Daddy to stop doing many times. I saw as Daddy aggressively threw your scared son high into the air, flipping 360 degrees and into the water, then quickly trying to escape as he was dragged back to experience it all over again, the second time landing on his back. I witnessed your little boy stumble up to the beach desperately needing water to shake off the trauma Daddy created, and after getting a big sip, concentrated hard to get the water bottle back into the perfect spot as Mommy screamed from the ocean to close the lid all the way. I watched the shame on boys face as the water bottle fell to the sand and Mommy screamed "I told you to put the Fu#$ing lid on all the way". I watched as the boy took the bottle down to Mommy and had to witness her open the bottle and dump the remaining water out in aggression. All of this occurring while the little brother, who was maybe two years old, sat in the water playing for hours with no attention given to him. I sat for two hours in complete judgement. I thought, "these little boys deserve better". I thought, "this is why we as American's can find young 18 year olds to go fight wars and kill innocent women and children". (3 out of 4 fatalities in war are women and children, 90% of fatalities in current wars are civilians, compared to only 10% in the First World War. Michael Stone, Yoga for a World out of Balance.) I watched in amazement at all the "FU$%"s and other profanities were thrown at the boy while all he was doing was trying to play with other children, since no one else was giving him attention. I judged you as parents and as a military family. I heard as you encouraged your boy to yell "Hell Ya" and then I judged your military buddy as he exclaimed that he couldn't wait until his 6 month old daughter was saying words like "Hell Ya", and other unnecessary things for a child to yell, followed by expressing how much he wanted to get wasted tonight, as his wife (who is pregnant while mothering his six month old) patiently loved him no matter how much the "guys" had more importance over your family's attention today. I judged as I felt bad for the life all of these children and unborn children were about to endure. I wondered if you realized the type of trauma that was already occurring? Many of my clients and friends, and even partner, are recovering from childhood traumas. Everything from major abuse to disconnection to alcoholism to abandonment to the inability to express love to basic honest communication. My generation has a large percentage of people working on healing these traumas so they don't repeat them. But for those who are unaware of their own traumas which are holding them hostage, they are often repeating the same for their children to experience. So I sat for hours wondering what your "Gift from God" as your son's name means, would have to heal as an adult. Would he be able to hold on tight to his spirit, his heart, his passions, his curiosity for life? Or would he succumb to the trauma, the disconnect, the impatience and allow the pattern to be repeated with his children? Would he go on to be another military boy who goes to combat to kill innocent women and children because some rich guys convince him their war is worth fighting, as a way to release his anger from childhood trauma? I am sorry I judged you for not being able to be a real mother or father, but in reality you were being the best parents you could be in this moment. You were taking your family to the beach. You packed water to keep everyone hydrated and were feeding your family. You had floaties on your children's arms to keep them safe. So even if you haven't mastered patience (a constant lesson we all face in parenthood) and what I view as proper communication with a child, you were doing your best. I am sorry I didn't see your best in the moment. I pray your children feel loved. I pray you feel loved. I pray I can release future judgements and see the clearer signs that all parents are trying their best in each moment. I pray, as parents, we can all let go a little more of control and just let our children be the innocent, loving, carefree, divine gifts they came into this life as. I pray that we can let them be curious, make space for them try new things, encourage them to make new friends, allow them to make mistakes so they can learn what works and what doesn't work, and that we can give and receive love with our children each and everyday. I pray myself and all parents can do a little better and be even more loving with our children tomorrow and each day that follows. Sincerely, Another Mama Trying Her Best
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February 2018
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